Informant Leaks Minutes of Swift-Kelce Committee Meeting
What follows are the leaked minutes from the CIA FBI NSA Joint Deep State Totally Serious Completely Legitimate Taylor Swift Travis Kelce Relationship Conspiracy Planning Committee.
COMMITTEE PRESIDENT GEORGE SOROS: Hi, everyone, and thanks for making time in your busy schedules to come to this meeting. As you know, for some time now, the C.F.N.J.D.S.T.S.C.L.T.S.T.K.R.C.P.C. has been engineering a conspiracy to make it appear as if Travis Kelce, a handsome professional athlete, and Taylor Swift, a gorgeous musical superstar, are dating, a relationship incapable of occurring without governmental interference.
JENNIFER LOPEZ CIA HANDLER: No chance otherwise!
ALEX RODRIGUEZ CIA HANDLER: Amen to that!
SOROS: You all realize that we desperately need Swift and Kelce, and their considerable social capital, to defeat Donald Trump, who would otherwise sail to an easy win in all the states where he hasn't been kicked off the ballot for throwing the biggest temper tantrum in political history. Republicans think we control the voting machines and could just fake the results -- and we can -- but for some reason we're still totally terrified of Trump becoming only the second person ever to win nonconsecutive presidential terms. And we have literally no ammunition against Trump other than his lifelong history of lying, bigotry and corruption, and a list of federal crimes so extensive it would make Henry Kissinger weep with envy.
COMMITTEE SECRETARY ROGER GOODELL: Plus, we all know how much rabid football fans love to hear about the liberal political beliefs of glamorous Hollywood types!
SOROS: Exactly. And after incubating this plot for months, it's now time for the coup de grace, the game during which we will unveil the boldest and most nefarious aspect of our plan. After the Kansas City Chiefs win the Super Bowl, a feat unrivaled in all recorded history --
TRAVIS KELCE CIA HANDLER: Other than in 1969, 2019 and 2022, you mean.
SOROS: 2022? That recently?
KELCE HANDLER: Yes.
...continued
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