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What follows are the leaked minutes from the CIA FBI NSA Joint Deep State Totally Serious Completely Legitimate Taylor Swift Travis Kelce Relationship Conspiracy Planning Committee.

COMMITTEE PRESIDENT GEORGE SOROS: Hi, everyone, and thanks for making time in your busy schedules to come to this meeting. As you know, for some time now, the C.F.N.J.D.S.T.S.C.L.T.S.T.K.R.C.P.C. has been engineering a conspiracy to make it appear as if Travis Kelce, a handsome professional athlete, and Taylor Swift, a gorgeous musical superstar, are dating, a relationship incapable of occurring without governmental interference.

JENNIFER LOPEZ CIA HANDLER: No chance otherwise!

ALEX RODRIGUEZ CIA HANDLER: Amen to that!

SOROS: You all realize that we desperately need Swift and Kelce, and their considerable social capital, to defeat Donald Trump, who would otherwise sail to an easy win in all the states where he hasn't been kicked off the ballot for throwing the biggest temper tantrum in political history. Republicans think we control the voting machines and could just fake the results -- and we can -- but for some reason we're still totally terrified of Trump becoming only the second person ever to win nonconsecutive presidential terms. And we have literally no ammunition against Trump other than his lifelong history of lying, bigotry and corruption, and a list of federal crimes so extensive it would make Henry Kissinger weep with envy.

COMMITTEE SECRETARY ROGER GOODELL: Plus, we all know how much rabid football fans love to hear about the liberal political beliefs of glamorous Hollywood types!

SOROS: Exactly. And after incubating this plot for months, it's now time for the coup de grace, the game during which we will unveil the boldest and most nefarious aspect of our plan. After the Kansas City Chiefs win the Super Bowl, a feat unrivaled in all recorded history --

TRAVIS KELCE CIA HANDLER: Other than in 1969, 2019 and 2022, you mean.

SOROS: 2022? That recently?

KELCE HANDLER: Yes.

SOROS: OK, well, you know what I mean. The Chiefs aren't very good.

KELCE HANDLER: They've been to the championship four times in the last five years.

SOROS: Does anyone ever tell you you're really annoying?

TAYLOR SWIFT CIA HANDLER: I have.

SOROS: Anyway, as I was saying, after the Chiefs win and Kelce tears off his jersey to reveal a "BIDEN 2024" T-shirt, he will get down on one knee at the 50-yard line and propose to Swift, offering her a conflict-rich diamond-and-emerald engagement ring provided by one of our committee members. Thanks for that, by the way!

COMMITTEE TREASURER ELON MUSK: Sorry, you said something? I missed it. Too busy Xing.

SOROS: Elon, you're never going to make X happen. Why don't you just change the name back to Twitter?

MUSK: Sure. When the Cybertruck becomes the bestselling vehicle in the world.

ALL: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

SOROS: (Wiping tears from his eyes) Good one, Elon. Anyway, after the big reveal, phase two starts, in which we activate the microchips in the COVID vaccines we injected into people, ostensibly to deal with a virus that has always been mostly harmless to the many Americans who aren't senior citizens, disabled, sick, overweight, diabetic, hospitalized, on chemo or otherwise suffering from any preexisting physical or mental health condition. Can we get a status report on that?

COMMITTEE MEMBER BILL GATES: Doing great, boss. But there was a little pushback after Kelce was in a vaccine commercial. A Fox News savant named Jesse Watters, who looks disturbingly like Sam the Eagle wearing stage makeup, featured it in a segment on his show titled, 'Is Taylor Swift a Pentagon asset?' Don't worry, though, Watters was so worried about lawsuits that he outright said in the episode that he had absolutely no evidence of it being true.

CIARA CIA HANDLER: Close one!

RUSSELL WILSON CIA HANDLER: Phew!

SOROS: Thanks for being on top of that, Bill. Sounds like we're about ready to go with Operation Stupor Bowl. Anything else before we break?

JESSICA SIMPSON CIA HANDLER: Boss, any chance we can get a reunion in this arc?

TONY ROMO CIA HANDLER: (Holding up a sheaf of typewritten pages.) Yeah, we have a whole backstory ready on how our assets get back together.

SOROS: Unnecessary. We're flying under the radar, and I don't want to push it.

COMMITTEE SERGEANT-AT-ARMS HILLARY CLINTON: (Entering the meeting.) Sorry I'm late, but I brought pizza. Who wants some?

SOROS: Hillary, we've talked about this. You can't keep feeding into this Pizzagate thing.

CLINTON: Only a moron would believe those conspiracy theories.

MIKE LINDELL, TEARING OFF HIS DISGUISE AS A CIA JANITOR: I knew it!

CLINTON: I rest my case.

To learn more about Georgia Garvey, visit GeorgiaGarvey.com.

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