Q. My child’s mother recently moved in with her boyfriend, who has full custody of his three boys. Last time I picked up our son from his mother’s, I noticed suspicious bruises on his thighs and back. This is new. I don’t know if this is the result of discipline, which I absolutely do not agree with, or rough play, which is also questionable, but understandable. I’m not sure how to handle this. What’s good ex-etiquette?

A. First, stay calm and resist the urge to immediately accuse anyone of abuse. That doesn’t mean you ignore your instincts. It means you approach the situation thoughtfully and carefully so you can accurately determine what is happening and protect your child appropriately.

Children, especially active children living in busy households with multiple kids, get bruises. Roughhousing, wrestling, sports, climbing, jumping on furniture and ordinary play can leave marks, particularly on legs and backs. That alone does not automatically indicate abuse.

At the same time, your concern is understandable, especially because the bruising is new and coincides with a major household transition. When families blend, dynamics change quickly. More children, different parenting styles, rougher play and unfamiliar discipline approaches can all create situations that deserve attention.

Good ex-etiquette means neither minimizing your concerns nor escalating them prematurely.

Start by calmly talking with your son in a non-leading way. Avoid questions like, “Did someone hurt you?” or “Did your mom’s boyfriend hit you?” Children, particularly younger children, are highly suggestible and may try to answer in ways they think adults want.

Instead, ask open-ended questions: “I noticed these bruises. What’s up?” Then listen carefully without interrupting or reacting dramatically. Sometimes the explanation is surprisingly ordinary.

You should also speak directly with your co-parent before jumping to conclusions. Keep the conversation focused on the bruises themselves, not on your feelings about her boyfriend or the new living arrangement. If you lead with accusations, defensiveness will likely shut down productive communication.

You might say something like: “I noticed bruising on his thighs and back and it concerned me because I haven’t seen that before. Do you know how it happened?”

That opens the door for explanation instead of immediate conflict.

It’s also reasonable for parents to discuss discipline expectations when new partners and additional children become part of the household. Ex-Etiquette for Parents Rule No. 4 is: Parents make the rules; bonus parents uphold them. Parents should come to agreement about a new partner’s role in the child’s life, particularly regarding discipline and household expectations.

If, however, your child describes physical punishment and appears fearful, the bruises worsen or explanations don’t make sense, then your responsibility shifts from co-parenting diplomacy to child protection. In those cases, documenting concerns and consulting an appropriate professional may become necessary. That balance is often the hardest part of co-parenting after separation -- walking that line between overreaction while still protecting your child.

Children need parents who neither ignore warning signs nor create panic before the facts are clear. Your goal should be to understand the situation accurately while keeping your child’s emotional and physical safety at the center of your decisions.

Reach out to your co-parent. That’s good ex-etiquette.

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