Q: My husband and I have been married for three years. Each of us has a son from a previous marriage, and we have a son together. His son is more animated than I’d like, and I’m having trouble getting close to him. Since he’s only with us every other weekend, it sometimes feels like he’s a guest and I’m babysitting the ex’s child, not part of our shared family. This makes me feel even more distant. I consider our family to be “my husband, me, my son and our son.” My husband considers the family “the two of us and all three children.” What’s good ex-etiquette?

A: Honest questions like yours take courage. It’s difficult to admit when you’re struggling to connect with a bonus child, especially when you love your spouse and want your home to feel unified. And I understand that learning to love a child who didn’t come from you, doesn’t live with you full-time and represents a former relationship that your partner had before you is not always easy.

First, it takes time.

Second, check your attitude.

How did you and your husband mentally prepare for blending your family? Did you sit down and talk about what you envision? Did you discuss how you will each build a relationship with the other’s child? Did you talk about unity and your goal for your bonus family? Do you have a strategy for all this togetherness? If the answer is no, which I suspect to be true, then I’m not surprised that you’re struggling. Bonus doesn’t just happen. It is directly proportionate to the amount of energy you put into it. And it starts with mental preparation.

If you were in my office, I would ask you about this little boy. I would ask about what he likes, his struggles, his concerns. I would ask you how he gets along with his dad and how attached he appears to be to his mom. I would ask you how he gets along with the other boys and how well he seems to be adjusting to the time with your family. I would ask you what part you play in his life and what you did to help him adjust. I would help you to start looking at all this from his point of view, not yours, because he takes his direction from you, not the other way around. You are the guide and the anchor, not him, and what you offer in the way of stability is what will help ground him.

Your bonus son may feel like a guest because you’re treating him like one. Not intentionally, but through subtle cues: different expectations, hesitancy with affection, or the unspoken message that this is your home, and he’s visiting it every other weekend. Kids pick up on that quickly. If you want closeness, start with access, warmth and predictability, not pressure. Learn one thing he enjoys and join him in it for even 10 minutes. Notice something positive and say it out loud. Consistency, even in small doses, builds trust.

An important component of good ex-etiquette is supporting your partner’s relationship with his child. When you refer to your family as “my son and our son,” you’re unintentionally excluding a child your husband deeply loves. That exclusion doesn’t stay quiet; it seeps into the way a household functions. And, the resentment that slowly builds when a partner realizes you don’t fully accept their child can be devastating to the relationship. A bonus family works best when adults protect each other’s bonds with their children, even when the emotional closeness isn’t equal across the board yet.

I’m not saying, “Love me, love my kid.” You don’t have to force instant love. You don’t have to pretend to have feelings you don’t have. But you do have to act with kindness, fairness and openness. Those behaviors lay the foundation for real connection to grow. Good ex-etiquette suggests that family is not depicted by how often your bonus son joins you, but by how much acceptance and love you offer.

So, it sounds like you have some backtracking to do. Sit down with your husband and do the Before Exercise. You can find it on the Bonus Families website, key word: Before. After that, here’s the change in attitude: Approach this as an evolving relationship, one you’re intentionally nurturing rather than resisting.

You may be surprised by how your feelings shift. You’re not “babysitting” your husband’s ex-wife’s child. You’re co-creating a family system that includes him, whether he’s there every day or every other weekend. And when the adults open the door to welcome them home, you want the children to look forward to walking right in. That’s good ex-etiquette.

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