Life Advice



Single File: Women -- and Their Men

Susan Dietz on

DEAR SUSAN: As my fellow blogger said, it's so true. There's not a man alive who wouldn't adore receiving a "humorous card" from a woman who dumped him. Great advice, per usual! But one thing a woman should NOT do if she hates/fears men is treat them like normal human beings or see them as individuals who differ from person to person. Positively lump them all together as a mystery novel that would need a Rosetta Stone to decode!

DEAR BLOGGER: Lump 'em and dump 'em -- losers and abusers. But there comes a time when that really sweet fellow you dumped in your 20s begins to look better and you think about resurrecting the relationship. But how to explain to him that your values have changed and you're over the glamour boys? Sending him a humorous card can open a whole new world now that you're past the bad-boy stage and he's finished with the lure of dimpled cheeks. Putting yourself out on a limb, taking a chance by taking the initiative, is a new experience for most women, but it's time we shed our passivity and show our courage. (Romance isn't dead, you know; it's simply moribund from being so darned one-sided!) So now we feel ready for a second look at that really nice guy we dumped for a sneer and a slouch. Each time we think of him, he looks more and more like husband material. (By the way, men have the same privilege when they grow past the glamour-girl gig.) There's something about the second time, the second look, the second date, when both parties are more relaxed about being who they are. Sending him a funny card can be the first step to a truly grounded relationship, togetherness built on the real thing -- friendship. Try it; you might like it!

DEAR SUSAN: My name is Dominick, and I'm trying to find a woman I met on a bus to Atlantic City more than 10 years ago. As soon as our eyes met, I knew she was the one for me. We sat together, and she asked for my phone number. She phoned a month later, and we met for coffee; she said she was married but looking to leave her husband. For six months, we "dated," but my guilt was so strong I had to call it off and never see her again. Now I can't seem to stay with a relationship without thinking of her. I've had neck surgery and a minor breakdown since we met, and I can't seem to remember her name. I know the house she lived in is empty. (I wanted to put an ad in a local newspaper and hope she'd see it and contact me.) I'm hoping you print this and she reads about the bus trip and remembers me. We both felt we were soul mates, but the timing was wrong. I can't live without her. I remember her children graduated from Babylon High School, but I don't know anyone in real estate who could find the record of the sale of her house. Can you please help?

DEAR BLOGGER: "Faint heart never won fair lady." This old saying, useful here, translates into a call for action. Take a risk and pay a visit to a local Realtor for details of the house sale. If you don't succeed, visit another Realtor -- and another -- until you have the information you need to take the next step. Yes, this means taking a risk, but think of the reward! You'll get stronger and more determined during this search, and that can be nothing but healthy for this burgeoning relationship. Keep hope alive during your search. Don't give in to thoughts of ending it. This is a gamble, for sure, but since the two of you met on a trip to Atlantic City, you must have some gambling spirit! And what can you lose but some time and possible loss of face to yourself? No one else need know of your detective work. So be kind to yourself; do your detecting; and don't give up. SOUL MATES DON'T COME ALONG VERY OFTEN.



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