Ask Amy: A man’s choice to use a slur riles the family
– Stunned Man
Dear Stunned: To be clear, it is possible to tell a story about a slur without choosing to use the slur.
I believe your choice to invoke this offensive slur (rather than refer to it in another way), was deliberate and terrible. And you knew that this would likely offend others, which is why you decided to whisper it to your fiancée.
The teen waited until dinner was over and then confronted you.
When communicating with teenagers, it’s wisest to avoid being triggered by their tone by addressing their core issue first, and returning to the topic of tone later.
So yes, I agree with your fiancée regarding responding to his teenage anger with your own anger.
Furthermore, I give him props for confronting you about it – he has a voice and the right to use it.
I also note that you say you have apologized for getting angry, but not for using the slur.
If you are going to be in a family together, the adults need to be wise and brave enough to tackle huge challenges together, as a unit. The adults also need to model good behavior by apologizing when they’ve made a mistake.
Also – because you’ve chosen to assert your allyship, I note that you don’t seem to have asked your Black friends for their unfiltered view of your choice, presumably because you don’t want to risk offending them.
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