Ask Amy: Enabling robs adult son of growth
I wonder what is different about your youngest that your husband believes he is so incapable of maturing into a functioning adult.
Enabling at this level sends a clear message: “Being independent is an option. You don’t have to do it; in fact, you can’t do it. You need us.”
Your husband doesn’t want your son to launch. Perhaps he fears that he will never come back, and your husband’s parenting days will be over – forcing him to face his own transition.
Many families are facing an unexpected second launch scenario because so many young adults came back to live with their folks during the pandemic.
You should see “tough love” at this level as potentially tender and affirmative. You might have experienced this when you sent your son to kindergarten and then college.
This is when parents handle their own anxiety in order to convey optimism and faith in their children: “You got this!”
You might start the clock ticking by asking your son to pay for all utilities and expenses until his move-out date. Do not judge him about having a “real job.” Facing employment options should be his job – not yours.
To enable the conversation with your husband – and also with your son – read, “Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most,” by authors Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen (Penguin Books, 2010).
Dear Amy: I'm intrigued to note how often people who are seeing therapists reach out to you for guidance.
Does that indicate that they are looking for a tie-breaking voice, a fresh point of view, or something else?
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