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Ask Amy: New dater wants timely, textured texts

Amy Dickinson, Tribune Content Agency on

Dear Amy: I am a 25-year-old female who has been single for over a year and a half, after my previous relationship of five years ended.

At the end of this summer, I decided to venture out and start meeting people.

Before meeting a guy in person, I always like to talk to them consistently via text to get a feel for the person and to see how I feel about them.

I've been on three “first dates” with different men (all 30 or 31) and all have ended in similar ways. From my perspective, all the first dates have been positive experiences.

But on every occurrence, the communication comes to a complete halt the day after our date, and two of the three have basically ghosted me.

When I bring up the lack of communication, they have all said they were busy with work or school/finals.

I told them I don't mind that they are busy, but I would appreciate a little more communication (i.e., "Hey, sorry, I was busy today, I hope you had a nice day. Talk to you soon").

I have also told two guys if they are no longer interested in pursuing things, to let me know and I would harbor no ill will but would like to know the truth.

Instead, they again opted to simply say, "I have just been so busy."

At this point, I am only in touch with the one I went out with last week.

The lack of conversation really bothers me.

I am never sure if I should give someone the benefit of the doubt.

I am feeling discouraged at this point. Please guide me in the right direction

– Discouraged Dater

Dear Discouraged: By texting consistently before meeting, you believe that you already know how you feel about the person – but many people rely on an in-person spark of attraction before they make up their mind to move forward.

You should not expect ongoing contact with every person you have gone out with. Nor should you instruct them in the necessary ways to communicate with you.

The whole idea is for you to make up your own mind about what you want, and then use your good judgment to gauge the other person’s behavior.

If you take a step back, you will realize that if someone is in frequent contact before a date and infrequent – or no – contact after a date, then this means the guy in question is just not into you.

There could be a hundred different reasons for this.

After going out with someone, if you’ve had a good time, you could text him the next day to say, “I had a nice time last night. It was fun to finally meet you in person.”

If you don’t hear back, you should consider this to be “message received.”

Dear Amy: My sister’s son (now 22 years old) was born on Christmas Eve.

 

My sister always made sure his birthday did not get lost in the Christmas holidays and always celebrated it a week or so beforehand.

We always sent cards and gifts on an earlier date in December, so our nephew would feel special.

Years later, I had two children who were both born in May. Their birthdays are 10 days apart.

Every year my sister sends one single birthday card for both of my children.

I think it is very strange to send two children one card year after year.

This is especially odd to me given how much of a deal she made to keep her son’s birthday and Christmas separate events.

She also has not reciprocated with gift giving. Financially they have no worries.

Am I making too much of this, or do you agree this is strange?

– BC

Dear BC: I agree that this is strange.

Also strange is your reluctance to mention this to your sister. I would focus on the thing she does (send a card), versus the thing she doesn’t do (send gifts).

Try: “This year, would you mind sending a card to each of the kids on their birthday? (A reminder, their birthdays are on the 10th and 20th.) They’re still young and enjoy getting mail from you!”

Dear Amy: I feel you really missed the mark for “Sad and Alone,” who was grieving and asking for advice on how to get through Christmas.

Why didn’t you suggest that he volunteer on Christmas Day?

Helping others is the best way to help yourself!

– Disappointed

Dear Disappointed: I completely agree. Thank you.

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(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)

©2021 Amy Dickinson. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency, LLC.

 

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