Ask Amy: Perfectionist wants to sleep on it
Dear Just Like: Perfectionism is often inherited, and this trait can have real, lasting and unhealthy consequences. You don’t mention what your childhood was like, but I assume that your desire to change might be a product of the insight you’ve gained from your mother’s experience.
Did your mother hold a high-stress job similar to yours? If not, her lifestyle might have left more room for making things perfect at home.
You don’t mention what led you to therapy, but — in my view — if your therapist isn’t able to work with you successfully on some of these core issues, you should consider changing therapists. You might see some success with a form of “exposure therapy,” where you deliberately leave things undone, and gradually learn to cope with your reaction when life gets messy.
You should also see a sleep specialist. Being rested will help you to stop spinning.
I applaud your insight concerning the impact your tendencies would have on a family. Being a parent is the ultimate in “operations management.” It is a 24/7 rollercoaster of challenges, joys, emotional swings, and — yes — the unique pain of stepping on Lego pieces in the middle of the night.
The parenting experience can lead high-strung people into a beautiful softening – but you can’t count on that.
Your kids would be the first to notice how hard you are on yourself, and they could inherit the high-strung anxiety that goes along with that. One root cause of perfectionism is the belief that you aren’t good enough, as you are.
Here’s a quote from Brene Brown’s book, “The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You Are Supposed to be and Embrace Who You Are”: “Understanding the difference between healthy striving [that’s you at work] and perfectionism [you at home] is the key to laying down the shield and picking up your life.”
Dear Amy: I have a friend I’ve known for 20 years. We were lovers on and off for two years, but haven’t been in touch for the past year.
He contracted me recently, saying that he wants me again, and wants me to help him figure out his feelings.
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