Ask Amy: Husband’s heart is no longer in it
Dear Amy: My husband and I have been married for 37 years. During our marriage our sex life was good (but infrequent).
Our kids are grown and moved out. My husband has heart issues and is on a lot of medication.
These meds make it impossible to have sex and he can’t take ED medications like Viagra, due to his heart issues.
These problems have made my husband very upset and he has stopped wanting sex all together. I’ve told him many times that I completely understand, and he is no less a man in my eyes.
But now there is nothing — no sex, no kissing. Nothing. He barely pays attention to me anymore. He escapes into the TV room when he’s home.
I feel very lonely and alone. I need advice on how to talk to him about this.
— Lost and Alone
Dear Lost: Sexual dysfunction and loss of libido is common in men who have had heart surgery or treatment for heart disease. (Your husband should see his doctor!)
My theory is that he proactively avoids affectionate physical contact because he associates this sort of contact with having sex. Because of his libido, impotence, and other medical problems, he is avoiding romantic contact because he can’t face the physical risk – and the fear and awkward conversations that force him to confront this extremely painful issue.
Over time, withdrawing from physical contact in order to avoid sex has led to him withdrawing in other ways.
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