ArcaMax

Dear Lost: When your wife runs up debt on multiple cards and hides all of it from you, she is committing “financial infidelity.” This has exposed a huge rift in your marriage (you cannot have a healthy, functioning marriage if one partner is lying about something so important). Unfortunately, unlike with other kinds of fidelity, ultimately the consequence and burden of her behavior may be borne by you.

Shopping – and buying – can give some people a dopamine hit, similar to gambling or addictive behavior.

Let’s assume that she is hiding and deflecting because she feels guilty and ashamed.

Instead of confronting her in anger, you could try to gently pry open the vault by enlisting her as a partner in your long-range financial planning. If she insists that her purchases are affordable, ask her to show you the paperwork. Tell her that you want your marriage to get back on track by being transparent and honest with one another. (I assume you have made financial mistakes, also – you need to admit them.)

Regardless of how your wife responds, you should definitely see a counselor and a lawyer. You say that you can’t afford to divorce, but it is possible that you cannot afford to stay married.

Debtors Anonymous has a “friends and family” support group: check Debtanon.org. You will also learn a lot from debt-buster Dave Ramsay.

Dear Amy: How can I politely tell my husband that he needs to start wearing larger size clothes?

Over the past couple of years, he has put on enough weight that the clothes he's had for a while really don't fit properly, and he shouldn't be wearing them.

When I buy new clothes, he still wears his old ones because the new ones I bought are "too big" and "not the right size.”

He has the same size the entire time I've known him (24 years), and I don't have an issue with his weight gain, but he seems to be in complete denial. I'm usually a fairly direct person when it comes to telling people things, but I don't know how to tactfully approach this subject.

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