Ask Amy: Family survivor doesn’t want to talk about it
When you first meet people, you could answer queries by saying, “I grew up in a little town outside of Lubbock. I had a very rough childhood and I’m not in touch with my birth family.”
Some people might press further – out of curiosity or commiseration. You can then say, “That’s all I really have to say about it. But what about you? Where did you grow up?”
If people who know you pry for details and insist that you “forgive and make up,” you can offer the extremely polite brush-off by saying, “It sounds like you really care about this. I’m doing really well, so thank you!”
Sidestepping in this way let’s people feel validated (validation is often their motivation, anyway), and also sends the message that your childhood is not up for discussion and dissection.
Nobody gets to define “family” for you. As I hope you have discovered, your family of choice is made up of the people who see your frailty, understand your challenges, and – no matter what – accept you, just as you are.
Dear Amy: My 90-year-old father is making our relationship so difficult.
I want to help him as much as I can within the parameters of this COVID problem.
He enjoys getting people to bring him things, which I don’t mind, but it is like a game with him.
I bring him what he requests, and then, just when I get back home, he’ll ask for three or four more things. I am a good daughter, but this is really starting to make me resentful.
He is alert, and knows what he is doing.
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