ArcaMax

If you are an only child, your mother might have relied on you heavily for emotional support, starting in adolescence. But, if she is so emotionally reliant on you, why did she move so far away?

She is making choices. You do NOT get to feel guilty about her choices. It takes two people to initiate a guilt trip: your mother might book the tickets, but you don't have to pack your bags.

Reframing your own perceptions might help. Seeing her six times a year seems like nothing to her, but it is "all the time" to you. When she says how much she loves spending time with you, you feel the guilt ratchet up, while if a friend said this to you, you would welcome it.

Because this is so persistent and upsetting, you should see a therapist who could help you to work on your boundaries, and also coach you to tolerate a level of discomfort regarding the guilt you feel. Therapy would also help you to find the words to say to this person who you really might love better from a greater distance. Talking with her about your own feelings (without shaming or blaming) will help to clear the air.

Dear Amy: I am a 57-year-old woman.

I have a brother somewhere. Long ago my father was married briefly and had a son. They divorced, and to my knowledge he never saw the child again. (There was an ugly history involved in that arranged marriage.)

I learned about this brother in my teens from my father. I have been respectful of my father's desire to leave it be.

My mother has been dead for years and my elderly father has dementia.

Do you think it would be acceptable for me to try to contact this brother, or has too much time gone by and it would serve no good? We only share DNA, after all. Maybe I'm just being foolish?

-- A Page from History

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