Enabling mom creates extreme family imbalance
I want to learn how not to care. If not for Bill's sake, for our kids', because they are equally amazing human beings, but unlike their dad, they feel the imbalance and are hurt.
So, Amy; teach me not to care?
-- Frustrated Wife
Dear Frustrated: You seem to have already mastered the first step in not caring, which is acceptance. Yes, she won't change.
You also seem to acknowledge that her toxic enabling has actually damaged "Adam" and his family members.
Now you need to understand that you and your wonderful family have won the family sweepstakes. Imagine how different things would be if your mother-in-law turned her firehose of bad parenting and enabling in your direction!
Your husband tolerates this because she is his mother. His tolerance is a testament to his character.
You could try to behave differently when she is with you. You don't seem to have expressed how you feel about her behavior.
"Marge, it has always been clear that you prefer Adam. But I find it hurtful, and I really don't want to hear about it. Let's find something else to discuss."
And to your children, you need only say, "Your grandmother doesn't seem to know how to love everyone equally. Her real gift to you is a lesson in how NOT to behave."
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