ArcaMax

Dear Amy: I am a woman in my late 20s. Lately it seems I have been hearing people say obnoxious, racist, and/or just "wrong" things more often. I've always been a very quiet person. I'm terrible at speaking to strangers. However, whenever I hear something and don't say something, I feel awful.

For example, I heard a physician (this is someone I don't know) say something racist that he meant to be funny to a subordinate at work.

I grimaced and moved on.

Recently, while hiking, I came upon two men saying homophobic statements. I was instantly uncomfortable, but said nothing. I was hiking with my genderqueer wife, but she was several paces behind. I stopped to make sure she was safe, but still, I said nothing.

I'd really like to get better about this, because I feel like I am not only not helping, but my silence is making things worse.

I think in some cases (like hiking), safety is most important. But other times, it's not an issue. Could you help me?

-- Unhappily Shy

Dear Shy: Yes, confronting two homophobes on a hiking trail would probably not be safe.

But calling out a doctor who is degrading a subordinate is lower-risk. Possible responses include, "Whoa, that's not right." You don't have to plan to say anything beyond that.

Instead of me trying to coach you to change your nature and temperament from introverted to reactive, I think it would be wisest (and more practical) for you to find ways to use your voice as a force for change in ways that feel safer and more natural for you. You should consider joining a local community-building organization; you could also use social media not only to call out aggressors, but (more importantly) to spread your own message of tolerance.

Dear Amy: I recently moved across the country for a position with a new employer. I do not know anyone at work. The culture is not particularly sincere; this particular workplace is not the place to form true friendships.

That is not my issue; in my field this type of workplace culture is typical.

Despite this, I have become close friends with my assistant, who began working here at the same time I did.

Last week my assistant summoned me and closed the door. She said that I am a constant source of negative gossip among the support staff, mostly because I ask for services (such as cleaning of my office), and for appropriate equipment to do my work.

My assistant informed me not to trust or talk to anyone. She said that part of the gossip is that my assistant and I are "BFFs," so there is negativity directed toward her, as well.

My assistant is now afraid to interact with me. But she is the only person I trust to talk to at work! I understand her reticence; she is only 21 years old and does not want to lose her job or be further abused by the incompetent, gossipy support staff.

The leaders here are inept and just as bad as the support staff. If I "reported" this, it would only make things worse.

Do you have any recommendations?

-- Frustrated in a Toxic Workplace

Dear Frustrated: My first recommendation is that you basically hitch up your trousers and wade in.

Your assistant's intel is useful on some level. But do NOT let an inexperienced 21-year-old tell you how to run your career.

I'm not sure if "cleaning my office" is on the list of tasks support staff should perform for you, however. Are they grumbling and gossiping because they are unsure of their duties, unused to your management style (or lack thereof), and don't feel comfortable speaking with you directly? Why haven't you gotten to know other support staff?

Review professional expectations and the appropriate workflow in your office, communicate openly with co-workers as if they are capable professionals and do what you can to turn your corner of this toxic dump into a respectable workplace.

Dear Amy: I'm concerned about your response to "Wannabe Empty Nesters." These parents have a 35-year-old daughter living in their house and they want her out.

I couldn't believe that you would suggest that this woman should move in with her sister and her family! That's just transferring the problem from one household to another!

-- Upset

Dear Upset: I suggested this as a possible solution -- only if the sister wanted it, of course. I agree that foisting a family member onto another family member is no answer.

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(You can contact Amy Dickinson via email: ASKAMY@amydickinson.com. Readers may send postal mail to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or "like" her on Facebook.)