ArcaMax

-- Hurt and Sad

Dear Hurt and Sad: You are thoughtful, affectionate, sincere and caring when you respond to others. You show up.

My theory is that your exemplary behavior is a reflection of the close, loving and devoted relationship you had with your own parents. You empathize with the enormity of loss because you love (and have been loved) so well. Your parents may have also modeled this humane behavior.

Like you, I am at a loss-marked stage of life. And I'd like to state, unequivocally, that showing up as a witness to someone else's loss is a vital expression of our own humanity. Frankly, in retrospect I would trade any number of the weddings I've attended in order to be there for (and with) friends in their grief.

Yes, you probably appreciate a text from your local friends. No, it is not enough for you to feel comforted.

But here's the rub. First of all, they didn't know your father personally. And unfortunately, modern life has removed many of us from the important rituals surrounding death. We are emotionally estranged.

Also, people don't always behave well, especially surrounding events where they can rightly claim that they "don't know what to do." Can you understand this, and -- while you might not forget their lapses -- forgive these people for being so flawed?

I hope you will continue to be available to people in their own time of need. This is one (additional) way to honor the memory of your parents. They raised you very well.

Dear Amy: I have a food allergy. It sucks! I used to love the food that I am now allergic to.

I've been in a relationship for three years, and my guy is mostly good about my allergy.

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