ArcaMax

Dear Amy: My father-in-law died by suicide. Because of his local prominence, the suicide made local news. If you Google his name, stories mention his suicide, some in graphic detail.

My in-laws' religion is very clear on suicide and the family feels a great deal of shame over his death. My mother-in-law insisted that none of the grandchildren (who were all very young) should be told how their grandfather died.

My husband agrees with me that our daughter eventually has the right to know how her grandfather died. I don't want to disrespect his family, but I believe that our daughter has the right to know her complete health history.

I do not believe that there is any reason to be ashamed. I have gone along with my mother-in-law's wishes because I don't want my daughter to have the burden of keeping a secret from her cousins, whose parents believe in sheltering their children from bad news.

My daughter is now learning how to use the internet and has started Googling her relatives' names. It's only a matter of time before she finds out about how he died. I feel my husband and I should guide the discussion.

My husband feels that because it's his dad, he should decide how to talk about it.

If my daughter finds out about her grandfather through the internet, she will likely believe that because we haven't talked about his suicide, then it means that she's not supposed to talk about it.

I don't want her to navigate her emotions on her own. I want to talk to her, but I don't want to anger my husband and alienate my in-laws.

-- Anxious

Dear Anxious: Denial and secrecy surrounding a suicide is not a good thing -- obviously. But people -- especially loved ones who might still be struggling -- have a right to privacy.

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