Grandmother feels trapped in her own home
And you cannot even begin to get out from under this until get some professional and therapeutic coaching about how to stop enabling your daughter without abandoning your granddaughter. Suggestions, hints and begging are not going to cut it. You have to create and maintain enough pressure and workable consequences to try to force your daughter toward change.
You also need to fully absorb the very real possibility that your daughter will not change. Will you try to force her out of your home? This might be a challenge, certainly if she refuses to go (I have read of parents actually selling their homes and moving in order to force out a resident family member).
You should contact your local department of Family and Childrens Services to connect with a social worker who could work with you to develop a plan and locate services to help your family. If your daughter refuses to attend sessions, go on your own.
You should also attend a "friends and family" support group (check al-anon.org for a local meeting).
For inspiration, read: "Don't Let Your Kids Kill You: A Guide for Parents of Drug and Alcohol Addicted Children," by Charles Rubin (2007, New Century Publishers). Rubin's central message is about how to stop enabling and set boundaries -- in order to save your own life.
Dear Amy: I recently got married to the man of my dreams! Now, I'm having problems with my mother.
Mom has always struggled emotionally (in my opinion) with letting me grow up (upon graduation, or moving out), and has pushed away from me during those times.
The same has happened here. I call her two to three times a week, like I always did, but the conversations are shorter and I don't feel like we are connecting like we used to.
I know she likes my new husband, so I don't think this is disapproval. But I'm wondering what I can do to nurture my relationship with my mom: should I just let this go until she comes to terms with our new roles, or should I confront her and risk having her shut me out even more?
-- Confused Daughter
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