ArcaMax

Repeat this smart phrase to yourself: "If I always do what I've always done, I'll always get what I've always got."

If you don't go back to your ex, you have a real chance at transformation -- and that includes the possibility of someday meeting someone who will love you as you deserve to be loved.

Survivors of partner violence (such as yourself) sometimes have a tough time leaving the abusive relationship -- even when the partner has already left and continues to be abusive at a distance (as your ex is being).

Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-7233, or use their online chat function at thehotline.org to be connected with a counselor who can listen and help you. You already have insight. You say you refuse to be owned (good for you!). What you need now is compassionate support and loving kindness -- as you walk away, permanently, from this terrible relationship.

Dear Amy: My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year. He is 47 and I am 42. We're both divorced.

He's from New York, and at times can be kind of crass or macho.

For instance, we were with his friend, and the friend said he hasn't done laundry since the day he got married. My boyfriend then announced that he never did laundry until he got divorced. I said, "Well, aren't you doing your own laundry now?" His reply was, "I've got my daughter doing it."

I said, "What about when you were in college?" He said, "My girlfriends did it." Am I dating a chauvinistic pig? Can I let this slide?

-- Don't like Dirty Laundry

Dear Don't Like: Yes, I guess you are dating a chauvinist, but you don't say if you've shared your point of view with him. You could ask him why he isn't competent enough to do this task himself. The answer could be something as simple as "I don't know how to do it well, and I'm embarrassed to ask."

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