Mother is worried about children's safety with troubled teen
Dear Amy: I am a mother of two young children: a daughter, age 4, and a 1-year-old boy. They currently go to my husband's cousin's house for child care every day. My oldest has been going there for over two years, along with our nephew and niece (who are the same age). Our family member (along with her helpers) provides wonderful care. I know they are safe and well looked after.
Every summer, another family member sends her three foster children to the same house for child care. This was their day care from when before they were school age. Although these children are older than ours, they are not allowed to be at home under the supervision of the oldest child, a 13-year-old boy, because he has shown behavioral issues.
He was temporarily removed from his home once over violent threats toward his younger brother, and has been ordered to attend mandatory counseling, as he has been making violent statements in his school setting. He has also sent text messages to his female classmates stating he is going to violate them, sexually -- this very much worries me.
I don't know what to do if I find out he will be going to our day care for summer vacation again. I feel I will offend our family member by insinuating that something could happen to my children under her watch, and I feel the rest of the family would think I'm being unreasonable. This boy took a shine to my daughter last year over these summer months. I'm now worried about him being that close to my children every day.
Am I overreacting? What is the best way to deal with this?
-- Worried Mother
Dear Worried: Three additional children with this wide age range sounds like a huge challenge for a day care provider; I can't imagine many 13 year olds who would do well in an all-day environment which includes his own siblings, as well as preschoolers and at least one toddler. It's an extreme age range, and this does not sound like a good situation for him. Given what you report, it also doesn't sound like a good situation for the younger children. I agree with your concern.
You should inquire about this summer. Will the older boy be present (perhaps they've found a specialized program for him)? If the older boy is going to be present, you should express your concerns, and all of the adults involved should put their heads together to try to find a workable solution. You might need to find another day care for the summer.
When dealing with family members about this, keep in mind that some people automatically assume a defensive position, even when they're not being attacked. Your tone should be neutral and focused on a solution. Your foster nephew is going through an extremely tough patch, and you should express compassion for him. But your own children's well-being is on the line, and you will have to be stalwart, steady and focused -- always -- on their safety.
Dear Amy: My ex-wife and I have been divorced for eight years. We have a 9-year-old son together.
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