Mom worries about daughter's college prospects
You could give her two choices: A gap year program (also an expensive option), or at least one semester of community college where she takes and passes four classes before transferring to her dream school (many schools are flexible about deferring admission). If she isn't willing to even discuss it, then it is because she assumes she can again manipulate you into getting what she wants.
I'm suggesting that you make this uncomfortable enough for her that (after she pouts and acts out and threatens to join the merchant marines), she will come to you with realistic options and possible solutions to your shared concern. She needs to earn her way in.
Dear Amy: Your daily column is a wonderful source of wisdom, insight and humor into the pain of family estrangement.
Our own family is now in the midst of a gulf of anger perpetuated by my elder son.
Can you recommend actions (beyond letters inviting reconciliation), and any books that deal with moving past this horrid situation?
I turned to the local reconciliation agency but my son rejected that attempt, saying to the representative that there was no issue to discuss.
Can you shed light on this dark time?
-- Estranged Mother
Dear Estranged: I am so sorry you are experiencing this. You seem to have worked very hard to try to reconcile, but what you are seeing is that you cannot force another person to reconcile with you, even if you believe it would ultimately be best for him.
Sometimes you have to put the love out there, and then be brave enough to surrender to the idea that it might not come flowing back to you in the way that you would like. And so you express your love, and leave the door open.
A book I (and many others) have found helpful is: "Healing from Family Rifts: Ten Steps to Finding Peace After Being Cut Off From a Family Member," by Mark Sichel (2004, McGraw-Hill Education).
Dear Amy: I'm chiming in on your terrible advice to "At a Loss," that she should invite her mother to her wedding. Some people just can't handle themselves in public, and they should be excluded.
-- I Want Your Job
Dear I Want: This is complicated when the troublesome person is a parent, and the bride doesn't want to sever the relationship.
========
(You can contact Amy Dickinson via email: askamy@amydickinson.com. Readers may send postal mail to Amy Dickinson, c/o Tribune Content Agency, LLC., 16650 Westgrove Dr., Suite 175, Addison, TX 75001. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or "like" her on Facebook.)
