Sloths spend most of their time eating, resting, or sleeping; in fact, they descend from their treetops canopies just once a week, for a bathroom
Stateside, they’ve had trouble moving Ivanka’s line of clothing, so they secretly relabeled it as Adrienne Vittadini. That’s how unpopular the Trump name is — her clothing has been put in the Witness Protection Program.
President Trump spoke today at the National Holocaust Museum’s National Day of Remembrance. He reminded the crowd that we must never forget the 6 million people who attended his inauguration.
A company in Japan has created a device to help parents shut down their child’s smartphone if they use it too much. It’s meant for children ages 6 to 12 or the president of the United States.
Alex Jones' groundless accusations against Chobani are nothing new. Stephen reminds us of a similar conspiracy theory that first appeared on 'Brain Fight with Tuck Buckford.'
President Trump did an interview the other day where he said he never realized that being president was such a big responsibility. And somewhere far, far away, Hillary Clinton crushed the wine glass she was holding.
Perhaps you've heard of the man who thought he was dead? In reality he was very much alive. His delusion became such a problem that his family finally paid for him to see a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince the man he was still alive.
Nothing seemed to work.
Finally the doctor tried one last ...Read more
- You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.
- Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
- Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
- Your company logo on your badge is applied with stick-um.
- You order your business cards in "half orders" instead of whole boxes.
- When someone asks about ...Read more
Zombie TurkeysAndy Zach
Sam Melvin, an underachieving e-reporter, changes when he meets turkeys that won't stay dead. You can shoot 'em, chop 'em, burn 'em—they come back stronger. As Sam tracks down the zombie turkeys and how to eradicate them, his editor, Lisa Kambacher, nags him to turn in his stories and ...
At a convention of biological scientists, one prominant researcher remarked to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?"
"Really?" the other researcher replied. "Why did you switch?"
"Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful. Second, the lab assistants ...Read more
One Saturday evening a man walked into a bar and said, "Excuse me, I would like a pint of beer." The bartender served the man his drink and said, "That will be four dollars." The customer pulled out a twenty-dollar bill and handed it to the bartender.
"Sorry, sir," the bartender said, "but I can't accept that."
So, t he man pulls out a ten-...Read more
"Oh my God! Do you believe these fires?! People are doing whatever they can to stay safe. Like today William Shatner switched to an asbestos toupee." --Jay Leno
"It's year 5766 according to the Jewish calendar -- and I'm still writing 5765 on my checks!" --Dave Letterman
"Republican majority leader Tom DeLay was indicted and he...Read more
Robert Irwin, 13-year-old son of Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin, shows Jimmy some animals including a Binturong named Orville that smells like popcorn, legless lizards and a pair of baby black bears.
Seth takes a closer look at Donald Trump's first 100 days in office as he and Congress face an imminent government shutdown deadline.
Friday is Day 99 of the Trump administration, and we may have a government shutdown if Congress does not pass a budget. Trump is so desperate to have something to show for his first 100 days that he just threw in funding for the border wall, which may kill the bill and make the U.S. financially insolvent. So, Trump really is running the country ...Read more
In a new interview, President Trump said he is “mostly there” on fulfilling the promises of his first 100 days. Said Trump, “Look, at this point, I’ve already accomplished 95 days.”
Saturday marks President Trump’s first 100 days. Political analysts say that we are still in President Trump’s “honeymoon” phase. Which may account for that feeling that we’re being repeatedly screwed.
The Presidential backpedaling is in full swing as Trump approaches the end of his first 100 days in office.
Environmental activists say that Trump’s border wall would disrupt the migration of hundreds of species. Animals were like, “No problem. We’ll just tunnel under it like everyone else.”
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few ...Read more
A sales clerk asked his boss how to handle people who complained about the current prices compared to the low prices in the good old days.
"Just act surprised and tell them you didn't think that they were old enough to remember them."