Judge Morty's life changes forever when he meets an inmate like no other.
It is hard to overstate the level of failure here. The GOP crushed their car at 90 miles an hour into a cliff with a grin on their face.
I have some sad news tonight. As of 10:48 p.m. eastern last night, the GOP healthcare bill was pronounced dead of terminal sucking. I'm heart broken, too. You cover the pain. It was always a longshot because the Republicans control only all three branches of government. Can't be expected to do everything.
Following news that the Senate healthcare plan will not pass, President Trump said that it is important to get more Republicans into office. More? Pretty sure when the "Titanic" was sinking, the answer wasn't more icebergs.
The Russian media warns that fidget spinners are a symbol of government opposition, and President Trump holds a secret meeting with Vladimir Putin at the G20 Summit.
At a dinner last night, President Trump told Republican senators that if they didn't vote for the healthcare bill, they'd look like dopes. And he combed his neck hair over the top of his head and walked away with his tie dragging on the floor.
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" ...Read more
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
Teach him to use the Internet, and he won't bother you for weeks!
Things N GeneralCary Hendrix Jr.
These are the thoughts that we have all had, but have never spoken. THINGS N GENERAL is Cary Hendrix jr.'s compendium of these ideas and hypotheses, filled with wisdom, wit and humor and illustrated by his original cartoons. THINGS N GENERAL will make you laugh, but more important, it will ...
"This little computer," said the sales clerk, "will do half of your job for you."
Studying the machine, the senior VP said, "Fine, I'll take two."
I have two brothers, one works at Microsoft, the other was sentenced to death in the gas chamber.
My mother died of insanity when I was three years old, my two sisters are prostitutes and my father sells drugs.
Recently, I met a girl who was released from a reformatory where she served time for smothering her illegitimate child ...Read more
Four married guys go golfing on Sunday. During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued:
First Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will ...Read more
Conan uses one of Bruce Lee’s favorite techniques to take down five stuntmen and a wall of cardboard boxes.
I didn’t think you’d find out. The whole week was supposed to be a secret but someone leaked it to CBS’s marketing department. I didn’t. Anyway, Russia’s coming up later in the show.
It’s Russia Week, and I just want to get out ahead of the story here. I recently met with a lot of Russians. I can’t remember why, maybe because I was in Russia. Oh, some of them worked for the government. This week, we’ll be showing you one Russian field piece. Sorry, I meant to say two Russian field — my lawyers are telling me five ...Read more
Donald Trump Jr. has admitted to holding an undisclosed meeting before the election with a Russian lawyer and a Russian lobbyist who reportedly once worked for the KGB. And the hardest part to believe is there was a Donald Trump dumb enough to do that [shows photo of President Trump] and it wasn’t this one.
Stephen kicks off the first day of Russia Week from the streets of Saint Petersburg before appearing on Russia's one late night TV show with an important announcement between vodka shots.
Over the weekend, it came out that President Trump’s approval rating is at 36 percent. But Trump defended the number, saying that it was “almost 40.” Then he said, “And if you read 36 upside down, it looks like 93, which is almost 100. So I’m doing amazing. Almost 100 in Upside Down world.”
Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost $5,000. Because if a bullet cost $5,000, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders. That'd be it. Every time someone gets shot, people will be like, ''Darn, he must have did something. Shoot, they put $20,000 worth of bullets in his butt.''
People would think before they ...Read more
I don't know if you've ever had only five dollars in the bank, but guess what -- you can't get it out. You can't. You can visit your five dollars, you can call it on the phone, but you can't get it out.
Fellow 1 : "Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that, too."
Fellow 2 : "Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of that?"
Fellow 1 : "A judge told him."