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"Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny." -- Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts

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"Experts at Guinness have announced that a man in India has set a new world record for having the most cement blocks smashed on his groin. The old record was none." --Jay Leno

 

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"The A&E network has launched a new reality show called, 'The Airline', that takes place aboard a real plane. Apparently the show is really good but it always starts two hours late." --Conan O'Brien


 

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