John William Oliver, the host of HBO’s “Last Week Tonight”…or was it “This Week Last Night”…or maybe it was “Next Week Last Thursday Evening—whatever the case, he’s the English gentleman/host who silently suffers from the only medical condition directly tied to the absence of a surname. Just look at him—you can tell he suffers. And it wasn’t like he just lost a surname. Truth is, he never had a surname to begin with because his parents simply couldn’t afford one. So, poor Will Oliver has had to live with three first names—as his permanently interchangeable first, middle and last names, from the day he was born.

Because of his condition, there are certain days when he prefers to be called “Oliver John.” Other days, it’s “Bill John.” There seems to be no rhyme or reason. However, we do know that the name “Oli-BJ” is reserved only for Tuesdays at the Bedfordshire Gentlemen’s Club whenever he’s in town—nobody but Oli-BJ knows why.

English doctors have since given his condition a name: “The Nadasurname Syndrome.” And apparently, there is no cure. Just ask the three women John/Bill/Oli suspects are his sisters and who also suffer from the same affliction: Susan Iris Gertrude, Mary Pippa Lois and Bobbie Daphne Tia. Currently, Sarah MacLachlan is writing a song for an organization that is searching for a cure.

Almost forgot—the video. This “Late Show with Stephen Colbert” segment aired on February 7, 2017. Stephen kept refining his god-given talent for creating desperately needed public-access-style community calendar cable shows—for all the sad communities around the globe who struggle in silent ignorance without them. And this time, Stephen decided to help his old friend Oliver Billy-John create a segment for the Englishman’s hometown of two-Bedfords-in-a-Shire. Coincidentally, Little John Oliver slept in a little Bed…in the little town of Bedford…in the little bigger ceremonial county of Bedfordshire.

In this installment, Stephen and John-Oli cover the strange local happenings in Bedford and take special note of the area’s obsession with Halloween-style celebrations during every month other than October...and usually during the late morning—a sunny time when most vampires, werewolves and other scary creatures are either sleeping or hiding from the light of day. Stephen and Bill-iver also pointed out that Donald Trump has suspiciously never been seen at any late morning Bedford Halloween celebrations, meaning that the Honorable Cheeseburglar McOrangina was probably dosing off at a press conference in his sarcophagus—resting up for his nightly Truth Social rage-tweet sessions, transmitted from his solid golden toilet in a one billion dollar bunker that only exists in his mind.

And speaking of human toilets, the only event that Stephen and Will-O-John were not able to cover happened to be the Annual Bedfordshire Spring Enema Swap. Stephen opted to overlook this much-anticipated and unconstipated family entertainment event that magically brings people much closer to each other (and the color brown) than warm earthy bodily fluids normally would find themselves. Standards & Practices aside, in the end (see what I did there?)…in the end, Colbert felt the seasonal fall custom of colonic-comingling could possibly come back to bite him in the proverbial rump, due to the graphic implications of flat-out swapping poop with your friends and neighbors, as well as possibly Jon Hamm—he's recently been seen in the area. To quote Stephen, “I’ve been canned for smaller things, so I thought it best to simply flush the enemas rather than stick my hands directly into them.”

Suggestion: we should all definitely take a bath after reading this.