The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. --George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea ... Visit people only once a year. --Victor Borge

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce. --Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. --Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. --Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. --Jimmy Durante

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. --Jilly Cooper

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. -- Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. --Alex Levine

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. --Mark Twain

Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. --Spike Milligan

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. --Henny Youngman

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up.' --Joe Namath

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. --Herbert Henry Asquith

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. --Bob Hope

A woman drove me to drink ... and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her. --W.C. Fields

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. --George Burns

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out. --Unknown

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. --Billy Crystal