When Suzy got home, she told her dad that she got a 100 in school.

Her dad told her to sit down and tell him all about it.

She said, "Well, I got a 20 in math, a 30 in science, and a 50 in spelling!

1. Well, it's Liverpool two, Ipswich nil, and if the score stays this way, I've got to fancy Liverpool for the win.

2. He had an eternity to play that ball, but took too long.

3. And so they have not been able to improve on their 100% record.

4. With the last kick of the game, he scored with a header.

5. Well, it's a fabulous kaleidoscope of...Read more

You live in California when...

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your ...Read more

A woman from Chelm went to the market one day to buy herring and a loaf of bread. "How much is it?" she asked the storekeeper.

"14 cents," answered the storekeeper to the lady.

"14 cents! For what?" asked the lady.

The storekeeper explained: The herring costs 7 cents, and the loaf of bread costs 7 cents also. So together it comes to 14 cents....Read more

Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in the distant rural regions of Ireland with no running water, no electricity, none of the creature comforts. One night, Mikes' wife goes into labor. The local doctor is there in attendance.

"What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?"

"Hold the lantern, Mikey. Here it comes!" The doctor delivers the child ...Read more

A jeweller called the police station to report a robbery.

"You'll never believe what happened, Sergeant. A truck backed up to my store, the doors opened and an elephant came out. He broke my plate glass window, stuck his trunk in, sucked up all the jewelry and climbed back into the truck. The doors closed and the truck pulled away."

The desk ...Read more

It's thunderstorm season and when the power goes out at one branch office, the uninterruptible power supplies kick in, everything gracefully shuts down, and the technician waits for power to return. And waits. And waits.

"Late evening sees the power restored, and we go about bringing the network back to life," says the tech.

Next morning, the ...Read more

As he was drilling a batch of recruits, the sergeant saw that one of them was marching out of step.

Walking up next to the man as they marched, he said sarcastically: "Do you know they are all out of step except you?"

"What?" asked the recruit innocently.

"I said -- they are all out of step except you!" thundered the sergeant.

The recruit ...Read more

These are real notes written from parents in a Mississippi School District. (Spellings have been left intact.)

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and...Read more

- "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines."

- "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments....Read more

No body

No body

No body

No body

- Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted.

- Man with one chopstick go hungry.

- Man who scratch bum should not bite fingernails.

- Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

- War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

- Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat ...Read more

Deciding to take up jogging, the middle-aged man was astounded by the wide selection of jogging shoes available at the local sports shoe store.

While trying on a basic pair of jogging shoe, he noticed a minor feature and asked the clerk about it.

"What's this little pocket thing here on the side for?"

"Oh, that's to carry spare change so you ...Read more

One morning in a posh hotel breakfast room, a guest called over the head waiter. "Good morning, sir! I'd like to order two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked that it's runny, and the other so overcooked that it's tough.

"I also want some rubbery bacon, burnt toast, and butter that's so cold it's impossible to spread.

"Finally, I'll have a...Read more

10. There are about 10 types of capacitors.

9. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it doesn't work.

8. Not everything works according to the specs in the databook.

7. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except the complex math, which you will never use.

6. Always try to fix the hardware with the ...Read more

I wanted to buy a CD player, but was completely perplexed by one model's promotional sign. So I called the salesclerk over and asked, "What does 'hybrid pulse D/A converter' mean?"

He said, "That means that this machine will read the digital information that is encoded on CDs and convert it into an audio signal."

"In other words," I said...Read more