ArcaMax

May I tell you about my diet?

It's simple, really. I eat Keto on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I eat Paleo on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday. On Sunday, I don't eat anything at all. Because I drink a gut-healthy mixture of kimchi, miso, kefir and kombucha, I've been able to triple the size of my gut, easy-peasy. I eat gluten for my glutes and ham for my hammies. I nibble flax seeds for snacks, put chia seeds in my hair and sleep on a bed of microgreens. To supplement my diet, I take mega-doses of creatine, theanine and Ashwagandha (excellent when mixed with chocolate syrup). I take a probiotic, a postbiotic and an in-the-middle biotic. I take vitamins B12, D, A, E, K, plus iron, calcium, omega-3s and plutonium. If I'm too busy, I'll substitute a Flintstone's chewable.

That's my diet. Am I losing weight?

No, but it sure does give me something to talk about at work.

If you think my situation is unusual, put down that piece of pie and let me draw your attention to "My Co-worker Won't Stop Talking About Her Diet," a recent article in the "Ask a Boss" section of New York Magazine.

"One of my colleagues, Emma, is a bit of a health nut," the reader's query begins. "Every few months she tries out a different diet, often including descriptions of some foods as 'bad' and some as 'good' and how eating high-calorie food is 'being bad.' With such a large team in an open-plan office, these conversations can get quite loud and distracting."

"Emma" uses her diet obsessions to explain "why she's not partaking in team lunches, office snacks and so on." And now we know why Emma is a genius. Most of us would cut off a leg to avoid team lunches.

With a perfect body, you certainly don't need to diet, but here are a few of the advantages of pretending you do.

No. 1: Send Your Co-Workers Scampering

If you need peace and quiet to do your work, teeing up a convo about your diet is guaranteed to send your co-workers running. By chasing away the chatty Cathys and loquacious Larrys, you'll be able to meet your deadlines and, most important of all, look like you're the only one working when the boss comes around to check.

No. 2: Avoid Toxic Teams

Fact of office life -- no one wants to work with someone who eviscerates them for eating a donut. The few who will try to get you to join their team can easily be scared away with a helpful comment, like "Let me print out a copy of my diet for you. Sure looks like you could stand to lose a few pounds."

No. 3: Avoid Lunches With Co-Workers

It should only take one lunch to keep you off the invite list. When you arrive at your table, insist that your server remove the bread, the salt, the napkins and the tablecloth. Explain that recent studies show that laundry detergent puts on pounds. When asked if anyone has food restrictions, say you can eat anything, except dishes made with meat, dairy, flour, soy, nuts or flounder. Insist that everyone order whatever they want. Lay your EPI-Pen on the table, plug in your portable defibrillator and pull out a hunk of algae jerky. Don't forget to wish everyone a hearty "buon appetito."

(Do you order a drink? With your ice allergy, absolutely not, but everyone else definitely will.)

No. 4: Put a Damper on Office Parties

An office party is an excellent venue to pronounce judgment on your co-workers' eating habits. Highlight the dangers of ultra-processed carrot sticks and the environmental damage caused by the chickpea cartels, using the dark web to sell black-market hummus.

No. 5: Become the Office Weirdo

By the time everyone in your office has heard about your diet and the changes in your diet and the changes to the changes, you will have established yourself as the kind of out-of-the-box thinker companies claim they want. This could make you stand out when it's time for raises and promotions.

Unfortunately, your co-workers will eventually grow accustomed to your food fetishes and fantasies, at which point you can start taking Ozempic, which you will deny using and then admit using and then switch to Zepbound and then Wegovy and then back to something really weird, like eating normally and shutting up about it. You still may not lose weight, but if you want to drive people at work absolutely bonkers, it's guaranteed to work.

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Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at info@creators.com. To find out more about Bob Goldman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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