ArcaMax

Dude, I apologize.

I've been so busy helping you find ways to survive your terrible job that I have ignored your terrible commute to your terrible job.

And commuting these days can be terrible.

"Delays and commuter complaints are mounting on many of the country's largest transit systems," writes Sue Shellenbarger, Work and Family columnist ...Read more

Let's face it. You've devoted a lot of time and hard work to convincing people that you're dumb. And it's worked! Difficult assignments are regularly routed to other employees because, "It's a pretty complicated project; I don't think we should give it to someone with a long history of screwing things up."

Yes, your reputation as a major doofus...Read more

Personal question -- what is your dream job?

My dream job is to be a cowboy. I want to ride the range on a golden palomino with my spurs jingling as I rope cows and shoot varmints.

Unfortunately, I simply have zero experience at cowboying. I can't ride a horse. I can't find spurs my size at Brooks Brothers, and I am much more likely to rope ...Read more

I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking that anyone with the level of global success I have achieved must have been incredibly brilliant and hardworking from the jump.

Not the case.

When I was just a tyro in the global success biz, I had none of the skills one needs to succeed. It was just me and my really good looks against the world.

...Read more

Be honest now. Have you ever wondered why you've never been promoted to a leadership position?

It's not your bad attitude, or your deplorable lack of productivity, or the history of colossal blunders that are the milestones of what we laughingly call your career. Since your company's entire management team is full of lazy bunglers with bad ...Read more

You don't have to tell me. I know. What you want more than anything in life is for me to be your mentor.

I can certainly understand why. Considering the complete mess you've made in what we laughingly call "your career," you need someone successful, sympathetic and, if I say so myself, pretty darn good-looking to whom you can come sniveling ...Read more

What's worse than attending a meeting?

Running a meeting.

I know! Your hard-earned reputation for incompetence makes it unlikely that you would ever be granted this level of authority, but let's face it, considering the bunglers who run your company, nothing is impossible.

Fortunately, help is available. Should your meeting duties involve ...Read more

I was quite upset when I read a recent Inc.com article by Kayla Matthews. "We're Screwing Up Mindfulness at Work" was an opening line of the piece and, frankly, it sent me into a tizzy.

"This is terrible!" I shouted. "What's wrong with management today? How can America possibly compete in a global economy without mindfulness?"

It was at this ...Read more

Like you, I never exercise.

Let others pursue their goal of being human celery stalks. Our physical fitness goal is to be shaped like a tomato.

Achieving total tomato insures that you will never be ogled when you walk the red carpet -- the red carpet at the Buckaroo Buffet, that is.

Your rotundity will also help you in business. No matter ...Read more

You've tried everything.

You've networked. You've Facebooked. You've so thoroughly linked on LinkedIn that you are only six friends away from knowing someone who knows someone who knows Beyonce. And yet, you still can't get a job. Heck, you can't get an interview!

Lately, you've been asking yourself -- is there something wrong with me? The ...Read more

I'm feeling a little naughty right about now, and for good reason. I just read a Christine Comaford column in the Leadership section of Forbes.

I'm not a leader, and if you think I'm displaying false modesty, ask Tucker, my kind-of-Bichon rescue dog. Tucker has been working here for over a decade, and I have yet to provide a list of goals, or...Read more

I'd like an honest answer, please.

When was the last time you were able to focus?

You know, really focus, like the laser concentration you generate when the waiter approaches your table with the pizza you ordered.

Moments of laser focus probably don't occur when you are at work. According to a recent LinkedIn post by Nir Eyal and Chelsea ...Read more