Geoff No Diehl
Ever since Geoff Diehl slouched north from Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, to Massachusetts, he's been the failed politician's favorite candidate.
He was born in Bethlehem, no doubt under the light of a single star, but he trekked up to Massachusetts, where he found there was plenty of room at the inn in Whitman, Massachusetts, a town of dazzling whiteness.
He started as a Democrat, which seemed advisable in Massachusetts, but soon enough, he became a Republican. You'd think a native of Bethlehem would have more respect for poverty.
After being endorsed by the people who were state representatives, he won the seat for Plymouth, Massachusetts.
And then, as though the witchery feared by the pilgrims had taken hold, he was touched by the gun-shaped wand of the "Move Right Fairy." He ran against Elizabeth Warren and was beaten bloody, although at 36%, he cornered the votes of Massachusetts Republicans and people who believe Sandy Hook never really happened, two groups with considerable overlap.
He plans now to run for governor of Massachusetts, an effort that would be comical if it weren't for that 36% of the vote he got last time.
Not that he'll win, but the fact that he pulled 36%of the vote shows us what Massachusetts is becoming. Massachusetts, as we all know, is supposed to be a stable solution of Irish Americans; ethnics who have been in the country for three generations; recently arrived, poverty stricken foreigners who live in the neighborhoods where the first two used to live and people with drawling accents who own a sailboat.
The Irish Americans, the third-generation ethnics and the newly arrived foreigners like the Democratic Party because they like their union cards, and in the case of the newly arrived foreigners, the Democratic Party is the only political force willing to pump money into the kind of decaying city you live in when you first get to America. The people with sailboats stay out of politics more than they used to because private business now offers more stealing opportunities than government employment.
Diehl wants to make America great again or save America or tongue kiss America or something that will make America feel good for 10 minutes up against the back wall of the high school.
In my own experience, Diehl is the favored candidate of people who have lost campaigns of their own three or four times. If you have run for city council twice and come in dead last in a preliminary field of 28, Diehl's your man.
And, of course, he's popular in the lawn suburbs, where people have long since forgotten the faith and language of their immigrant grandparents and their $50,000-a-year salaries have convinced them that they have "won" at capitalism. It doesn't take much to convince people they've won if they want so desperately to win.
Best of all, Diehl has just been endorsed by decreasingly relevant former President Donald Trump, a man who lost his last election and has never won the popular vote.
Increasingly, getting a Trump endorsement is like being the favorite niece of that uncle who hits on your high school friends even though he's 46. Sure, he says he loves you, but is that really what you want?
You will not remember that uncle fondly when you're an adult. You will remember his stubby fingers and comb-over. It'll be a scar, and your therapist will buy a BMW with the memories.
Too late for Geoff Diehl. He's that one high school friend who let your creepy uncle kiss her. It's a scar, and her therapist bought a boat.
To find out more about Marc Munroe Dion, and read features by Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit www.creators.com. Dion's latest book, a collection of his best columns, is called "Devil's Elbow: Dancing in the Ashes of America." It is available in paperback from Amazon.com, and for Nook, Kindle, and iBooks.