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Single File: Love, Sweet Love

Susan Dietz on

DEAR SUSAN: It's love this time; I'm sure of it. Can you explain what love does and how it makes me feel as if I'm a whole person? -- From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: Love is my favorite subject, the phenom that takes over our life and brings out the best in us. Suddenly, the sun is shining even on a rainy day, and we feel fulfilled. When we fall in love, we tend to think it's the other person -- our beloved -- who makes us feel complete, filling in the missing part of our emotional neediness. Both sexes fall into that abyss; some never recover.

Sadly, we tend to look for the person who makes us feel like a "real woman/man," totally fulfilled and whole. As much as I'd like to pass that explanation along, I can't, because it just ain't so. What actually happens in love is that the act of loving puts us in touch with our ability to feel love, and it's that ability we've craved. By inspiring us to express lovingness, our beloved connects us with that missing element of ourselves. It isn't that he/she fills you up and makes you whole and you're jagged edges without the person. Your beloved is a catalyst, not a missing piece. No person outside of yourself has the ability to make you whole. That's worth a second reading, even if you're hurried or busy.

DEAR SUSAN: I answered your survey a few years back. But I've changed my mind about a few of my answers as I've grown into my single life. I'd kind of like your readers to do the same. But until they do, here are my second-thought responses to your questions.

Q: What do you consider to be the positive aspects of your singleness? Are you making full use of them? A: Other than being able to do what I want when I want and answering to no one, I'd just as soon not be single. I'd much rather do things with a partner.

Q: In what places have you been most successful in meeting suitable partners? A: When I was looking for a partner, I looked everywhere. After years of looking, I gave up. But I'll mention a few: online sites, coffeehouses, dances, fairs, schools, hobby events, swimming pools, golfing, speed dating, volunteer work, etc.

 

Q: Have you had close relationships that could have been sexual but weren't? Were you closer or more distant because of the lack of sex? A: Yes. Several times, I could have had sex with someone on our first or second date, but because I believe that's not the way to find a loving sexual relationship, the upshot was that I just didn't get any sex.

So, Susan, I answered your questions. What do you have to say? -- From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: You've mastered the power of negative thinking! At every turn, no matter how hopeful or positive the situation, you mightily manage to emerge hopeless. Like a patient relentlessly doomed by his own negative mindset, you somehow manage to come up empty-handed. I cannot imagine that of all the places you've gone, of all the faces that have exchanged smiles with you, not one has touched your heart or yielded a loving companion. Maybe there's still time to ask yourself some questions, to interrogate your deepest self and find the answers that will help you find the life -- and the lover -- you yearn for. It may be time to put aside my questions and your answers to them for another time. Right now, take the dare and start the adventure of your life. Let this one question start the journey inward: What have you done in this beautiful world that you're sighing of no one to love?

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Have a question for Susan? You can reach her directly at susan@single-file.com. We've uncovered another treasure trove of "Single File" paperbacks -- in perfect condition, signed by Susan, ready to enjoy. Send $15 and your address: Susan Deitz, C/O Creators Syndicate, 737 3rd Street, Hermosa Beach, CA 90254.

 

 

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