Life Advice



Single File: Cougar Reaction

Susan Dietz on

DEAR SUSAN: Your comment today to the 51-year-old cougar who married a 30-year-old was completely off-base. First, where did you get the idea that men mature by age 18 and women not until they are 30? That's total hogwash. Please cite one scientific reference to back that up. Thirty-year-old men are still playing video games and hanging in bars, while women are caring for their younger siblings and often their families from the time they're 12. Before they're 18, women are often raising their own children while holding down jobs. I've never come across what I would consider a mature 18-year-old male. Second, men are visually stimulated creatures. What 30-year-old male is turned on by anything less than the hottest of 50-year-old women? Guaranteed he'll have something young and hot on the side for sex, knowing a desperate 50-year-old woman will put up with it. And third, any guy who'd want a woman 20 years his senior has serious mommy issues, and any woman who'd want a boy is simply longing for someone to mother. Let there be no mistake, though: Anybody who seeks out a partner 20 years their junior, male or female, is looking for a hard body, someone they can control through their more mature and experienced intellect and who fears dealing with a mature mind. Susan, if you have a son, I dare you to spend a week hanging out with him and his buddies. Guaranteed you'll come away flattered, but decidedly in the role of mother -- not as a peer. -- From the 'Single File' Blog

DEAR BLOGGER: As a critic you're good, really good -- but not infallible. Give my response another read and you'll see it says that at the age of 18, men ripen SEXUALLY. (Masters and Johnson statistics back up that statement.) As for emotional maturity -- it's so wildly experiential, so difficult to pin down to any age or stage, number, best guesstimated if at all mentioned. As for men's visual stimulation -- hey, it's individual. What may turn on this young fellow may not be the Playboy image, but a mature hotness that defies description. A fiftyish female who has taken care of herself could turn on a male, if he were so disposed. (Again, visual excitement is a variable, a personal thing; not every hottie does it for every male.) And a 30-ish male could be compatible with a free-spirited fiftyish. It's more possible overseas, for sure, but we Americans are quick learners! Anyway, thanks for adding your thoughts to the mix. I might just take up your dare -- Scott willing and the creek don't rise.

DEAR SUSAN: Here are one reader's thoughts, as you requested. Your best column, "What, Me Marry?" appeared in December 2010. Still some of the best advice printed. I use this checklist to this day when assessing people I get involved with -- whether as a casual relationship or something much deeper. BIASED OPINIONS: We're all human. I have my biases too. However, I have been "called on the carpet" on occasion regarding my biases. In some cases, it was miscommunication; in others I was wrong. These are the ones you remember, as they sting the most. But in each case where I had to reexamine my beliefs, I grew the most as a person. A little about my problem: In 2007 I broke up with my girlfriend; we had been together about nine years. Since then, we've had no contact, no mutual friends or family members, no one in her professional circle. We live on opposite sides of the country. In late 2011 she remarried. In early 2012, I noticed her driving past my house; she didn't stop, just drove by slowly, turned around and did it again. In the spring of that year, she did it again. This now happens -- same pattern of driving -- same clothing each time -- every three to four months. She drives a mutual friend's car, someone who still lives in the area. I contacted her to stop this, but there was no response. The last sighting? February of this year. I've spoken to law enforcement and lawyers; they say there's not much I can do and moving isn't an option. What are your suggestions? -- From the 'Single File' Blog

DEAR BLOGGER: Coming at the problem with a strictly out-of-the-box solution, I suggest you put a For Sale sign on your front lawn and see her reaction the next time she's beckoning to you from behind the wheel. This is a bit like cat-and-mouse stuff, but not knowing your feelings it's the best I can do. The law can't help, since she's not set foot on your property. And there's no legal recourse to a car driving by, no matter how often; it may be annoying, but it does add a bit of spice to life. She's not disturbing the peace or breaking the law. But she may be breaking your heart, just a bit. Any regrets, captain?



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