Elderly mother is caught in an anxious cycle
People seldom talk about this, but for some, caregiving for an elder parent can be a traumatic and ultimately heartbreaking experience.
If that was the case with your mother, her current situation has triggered some very real distress, and – like the loving and concerned mother she is – she is upset by the prospect of any of you having a similar experience.
Your mother has also received a frightening diagnosis. This may have triggered extreme anxiety (who could blame her?!), and the way she is ruminating and resistant to comfort should be a cause for concern for her health care team.
My first suggestion is to make sure that her physicians know about her rumination and anxiety. This might be a cognitive issue exacerbated by lack of sleep, diet, or medications.
For you and your siblings, I suggest that instead of leaping in with quick reassurances, you should make sure to listen and give your mother plenty of space to express herself. You might then say to her, “I know you have a lot to deal with right now, but can you say what you are most worried about in this moment?” She may need to cry and to express some universal and existential worries. Having loved ones able to listen calmly and bear quiet witness might help her.
And yes, you should all do your best to express (through your deeds and words): “Mom, we are honored and happy to be with you, no matter what. You had us, and now we’ve got you.”
Dear Amy: I am a woman in a relationship with a younger man.
At the beginning of this relationship, he was very into love, sex, romance and sharing everything.
I paid all of our rent and utilities for the first six months, and we were both working.
Well, around three months ago, he changed. No more sex, romance or anything.
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