Ask Amy: Father’s funeral attendance is last straw
He insisted that he was only there "to support us" and had no malicious intent. We stood our ground, he opted not to attend her services, and has been sulking ever since.
He says that we owe him an apology, but we think he's being his usual selfish, self-serving and perpetual-victim self.
What do you think?
– Not Going to Apologize This Time
Dear Not Going to Apologize: I’m with you and your brother. If your father had really wanted to support you through this trying time, he would have contacted you both in advance of showing up to express his fatherly concern and to ask how he could best support you.
Showing up where you suspect you’re not welcome is classic behavior for a practiced boundary-crosser. His demand that you apologize for your reaction to his insensitivity is simple misdirection, but if your reaction created a scene that made others uncomfortable, then this is something to acknowledge and perhaps apologize for.
Now that you have asserted a strong boundary with your father, I suggest that you should use neutral language and communicate to him that in order for you to have a better relationship moving forward, you will need him to understand how deeply his actions over the last 10 years have affected you.
Use “I statements,” detailing your feelings. A defensive (or offensive) response from him will underscore your instincts, but you will have had your say.
Dear Amy: I have five grandchildren.
I had two children – a son and a daughter – but unfortunately my daughter passed away in 2014 due to illness.
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