ArcaMax

My parents are paying for the wedding, so I feel I should defer to their wishes, but this is an issue that has caused me so much emotional grief over the last few years, and I feel so personally hurt over her silence.

Should I invite her?

– Conflicted Bride

Dear Bride: Leaving “Anna” off of your guest list could place her other immediate family members in a very tough spot. Her siblings, for instance, might also feel compelled to stay home. Excluding her would send a message to her that you are absolutely done.

I used to believe that wedding invites are meant to acknowledge those relationships that have remained healthy and close over the years.

Over time I’ve come to understand that invitations can also serve as an optimistic signal for what might be. Weddings, after all, are aspirational family events.

I’d ask you to imagine yourself 10 years from now. Imagine that Anna continues to struggle and continues to adhere to her “no contact” choice.

Given this worst-case scenario, would you look back and say to yourself, “Wow – I’m so glad she is the only family member I excluded from my wedding!”

Or would you say to yourself, “In the name of family harmony, I tried to be inclusive and to reconcile. I wish it had worked.”

To some extent, this is a test of your own character and of your capacity to rise above a very challenging family situation.

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