Ask Amy: Friend’s gifts are really burdens
You’ve asked what I would do? I would react the same way you have – bewildered and doubting myself.
I think you should consider returning these gifts. Tell her, “I was honest about how uncomfortable this makes me. I’m upset that you haven’t respected our agreement. I can’t figure out why you don’t understand my feelings, but for our friendship to continue, I need you to agree to stop doing this. Please – no more gifts of any kind. I just want to enjoy our relationship, without anything else attached. Can you do that?”
If she responds with a wink wink, nod, nod, then you should assume that she will simply never take your needs seriously or respect your wishes.
Dear Amy: My friend says that people hardly ever change. He says that we have to just accept or detach from them.
I think people can change.
What do you think?
– Brian
Dear Brian: Let me put it this way: I’m absolutely convinced that I can change, and yet I know that I’m unlikely to change much.
I also have faith that others can change, but I don’t make the mistake of assuming that their changes will be those I’d wish for.
I agree with your friend that dramatic and lasting change is rare, but I take issue with the “accept or detach” idea. Acceptance is a form of detachment in its purest form, but sometimes – when change is necessary for a relationship to continue – if change doesn’t happen, disengagement is called for.
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