ArcaMax

I, however, am just now finding peace, due to finally receiving proper treatment. I procrastinated reaching out because of my own selfish(?) fears of my own instability.

How can I fix this?

– Selfish

Dear Selfish: Your shame has sent you into a self-punishing spiral. Now that you have processed your own behavior, you really should stop making this about you.

You have no way of knowing how this tragedy has affected your friend. You should assume that she received, read and appreciated your thoughtful note, but this sort of communication does not beg a response (grieving people are not always able to reply), and so do not think that the ball is in her court.

You should call your friend, even though it isn’t her birthday. Do not continue to apologize for or explain your reaction to her child’s death. Don’t make references to your own trauma. Simply tell her that she continues to be in your daily thoughts, and ask her how she is doing. And then listen to her with thoughtful compassion. If she doesn’t want to talk about her loss, then segue into other topics that you two have traditionally discussed.

Dear Amy: Recently a longtime, good friend was staying with me as a guest for five nights at an expensive resort.

She is used to consuming drinks and snacks throughout the day.

I am the opposite and closely watch what I eat and always politely decline ordering anything when she asks.

Last week she told me how impolite it is for me to never eat anything while she does because she feels she shouldn’t be eating “alone,” and it makes her not enjoy her food.

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