Ask Amy: ‘Mean’ mom has extreme regrets
– Bad Mom in the Midwest
Dear Bad Mom: The first step toward change is to recognize your negative pattern. Then you need to do something about it.
Yelling isn’t necessarily the core problem. What you say has a greater impact than the volume with which you say it.
A personal put-down will be etched onto your daughter’s heart, and if you do this, you need to stop immediately.
When you’re frustrated, use “I” statements: “I get so frustrated when it seems like you’re not listening,” versus: “You never listen. That’s why your grades are so poor.”
Your daughter is crying because she is overwhelmed and lacks the language – or doesn't feel safe – to describe her feelings. She should be screened for depression.
I shared your question with Kimberly Kopko, Ph.D., director of The Parenting Project at Cornell University.
She responds: “It is not too late to try and make amends and navigate a new way of relating. Knowing that you are sorry and committed to making changes will likely be the most powerful message you can give her.
“I highly recommend a parent education class for parenting teens. These classes are typically offered at community service organizations or local schools.
“The benefits of parenting education are well documented and include improvements in parents’ confidence, competence, and parental satisfaction and increases in positive language and discipline practices. Your daughter will benefit from improved interactions with you which will help to regulate her behavior.
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