Ask Amy: Officiant feels demoted from being a groomsman
My husband and I are hurt by this, as it feels like he's been demoted after agreeing to a more significant role.
Should we say anything, or leave this in the past?
– Wedding Wounded
Dear Wounded: It is standard to compensate the person who officiates at the wedding – even if that person is a friend who would perform the ceremony for free. This compensation can come in the form of paying for the person’s travel and hotel room, giving them a cash gift, and/or yes – a gift of appreciation to acknowledge the vital role the officiant has played in the wedding.
I have a strong feeling that if the groom had included your husband in his bachelor party and if the couple had welcomed him into group photos, you wouldn’t be asking about compensation, because this is really about him feeling demoted, excluded, and unappreciated. And I agree with his reaction!
This couple blew it.
It is as if when they asked your husband to officiate, in their minds he actually became a member of the clergy (who quite naturally might not enjoy a bachelor party).
If you can leave this in the past, then definitely do that. Otherwise, your husband could say, “I was honored to perform your ceremony, but honestly afterward I felt like I’d been demoted from groomsman. I was surprised not to be included in the bachelor party. You know I’m not an actual priest, right?”
Dear Amy: I have been going with a woman for several months (we are retirement age), and we have agreed to date each other exclusively.
However, when I am not around, she invites a man 30 years her junior to dine out, or to just hang out with her.
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