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Ask Amy: Wife can’t mourn until she forgives

Amy Dickinson, Tribune Content Agency on

He was upset and told me that nothing had ever happened between them.

I was not able to forget.

I always wondered why he told me he had feelings for her. He could have just stopped working with her, and I wouldn't have known.

We stayed together for another 40 years, but I never could totally forgive him.

Now that he has died, I am thinking of this more than ever.

Other than that, he was the perfect husband and father.

 

Do you think I am using this as a reason to not mourn?

– Stuck

Dear Stuck: Your theory about why you are stuck might be correct. Additionally, my take is that you might now be (unconsciously) justifying your inability or unwillingness to forgive your husband over the course of 40 years – and so you are doubling down and ruminating about it, now.

Surely, his long-ago admission would have been very hard for you to take, but it seems to me that he did everything he should have done: he was honest with you, he stopped working with her, he continued on in the marriage to you.

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