Ask Amy: Not-yet-divorced dad wants to put a ring on it

Dear Amy: My marriage of almost 16 years ended three years ago.

My estranged wife is mentally ill, mentally abusive, and an alcoholic.

Since separation, she has been to rehab twice and spent a month in a mental institution.

I filed for divorce. My ex has been completely non-compliant to any sort of agreement.

I'm on my second lawyer and we are on our way to take it to trial.

After we separated, I met a wonderful woman, and we have been dating for two years (around the time I filed for divorce).

My new love is a single/working mom. I have custody of two children, so it's sometimes a challenge to spend time together, but we find a way to make it work.

I purchased an engagement ring nine months ago.

I really wasn't expecting my divorce to take this long.

I obviously cannot get married until my divorce goes through.

My girlfriend knows that I want to marry her and knows that I have the ring, but the engagement will be overshadowed by the fact that I'm still legally married.

My girlfriend hates the idea of being the "other woman" on paper; even though she's not.

I want to be respectful to my future wife and her daughter, but I also want her to know how special she is to me.

Do I wait for another few months, or do I give her the ring now?

– Stuck in Transition

Dear Struck: You and your partner should continue to make your plans together, but you should wait to give her the ring and become “officially” engaged.

One reason for this is that giving her the ring might actually result in delaying your divorce.

If your wife won’t come to the table, and if she finds out that you are eagerly moving forward with plans to marry, the knowledge of that might inspire her to delay further.

Another reason to wait before giving her the ring is to demonstrate to all of your children that even though life is complicated (they already know that), there is an order to things, and you are behaving accordingly.

Dear Amy: While my husband and I were planning our wedding, my (now) in-laws were overly interested in our wedding colors, asking for swatches and updates and accent colors.

I was constantly fielding calls and texts from his five siblings, their spouses, their kids and his parents.

My husband assured me that they just wanted to coordinate their outfits to the wedding colors.

It seemed odd. Yes, they arrived dressed like members of the wedding party, but it didn’t really bother me.

Over the years I've noticed that at every wedding, my large in-law family dresses to match the wedding party. At times they've been confused for members of the bride/groom’s family or wedding party.

I've asked about it and they seem to think it's basic wedding etiquette, even to the point of acting like I make horrendous wedding faux pas when I don't.

I feel it's a bit rude or presumptuous to wear the wedding colors when you are not in the wedding (unless specified in the invitation).

My sister recently got engaged. My mother-in-law is already asking her about her colors. My sister has asked me to address the coordinating issue with them, so they don't all show up looking like members of the wedding party.

How do I approach this subject with them? They are all convinced that it is abysmally rude NOT to coordinate their attire with the wedding party. Is it?

– Clueless Guest

Dear Clueless: The reason wedding guests sometimes inquire about wedding colors is actually the opposite of what your in-laws seem to think: It is to avoid looking like members of the wedding party.

Some marrying couples do try to color-coordinate the entire event, but the traditional idea is that the bride and groom and their attendants and parents should stand out, and the guests should be the tastefully attired multi-colored confetti in the background.

Tell your in-laws that your sister’s color-scheme is “… top secret. She doesn’t want to color-coordinate with guests. But the bride says she is definitely wearing white.”

Dear Amy: Your answer to “Tired,” the yawning woman with the irate boyfriend, missed an important point. Tired should talk to her doctor and have a sleep study done. It can be done at home and could very possibly show she has sleep apnea.

Her symptoms sound just like mine. Sleep apnea is not only exhausting and inconvenient … it is dangerous.

– Awake

Dear Awake: Great advice. Thank you.

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(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)