Ask Amy: Couple can’t cope with feelings of guilt

Amy Dickinson, Tribune Content Agency on Aug 16, 2021

Dear “You’re My Mom”: Your son says this to you because it is true. Furthermore, you have obviously raised him very well because you have encouraged him to find his biological family members, and, having done so, he recognizes how challenging this is for you. He sounds sensitive and kind.

Biological family contact or reunification is becoming much more common with the rise of DNA testing. These efforts create joys and challenges across a wide spectrum. This is new territory for adoptive families.

As our children reach adulthood, they form all sorts of relationships that can seem to throw off the balance in the family. They partner up, develop close friendships, and move away. In close families, this can be destabilizing.

As a parent, you have no choice but to roll with it, anchoring to an essential tenet of parenthood: Your job is to teach and encourage your children to love others.

How you roll with it will affect your relationship with your son.

Your emotional efforts should be directed toward coping with your own feelings and learning how to tolerate your discomfort. Be as gentle as possible with yourself and toward others.

Other adoptive parents facing this challenge could be very helpful and supportive. The Center for Adoption Support and Education offers information and counseling services for adopted people and their parents. Check their website for information, support groups, and counseling services: adoptionsupport.org.

Dear Amy: I would second your advice to “Distant,” whose friendships had fallen off during the pandemic and who didn’t know how to reconnect. You suggested that this person send postcards to friends.

When my college roommate and I had grown distant; I asked if I would ever see her again and she said, “no.” A year later, I sent her a short note, just to let her know I was thinking of her and got a two-page letter back.

She had made some changes in her life and was excited to reconnect. We’ve been very close ever since — almost 40 years!

I say send the postcards.

– A Friend

Dear Friend: I have dozens of postcards pinned to my wall. I love to send – and receive – them.

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(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)