Ask Amy: This boomer is not OK with how she’s treated

Dear Amy: I am a woman in my 70s. I do not understand why women in their 30s think they can treat their elders with disrespect.

I had two unkind mothers-in-law but I wouldn’t have dreamed of being rude to them or “telling them off” because they were my elders — the mothers of my husbands, and the grandmothers of my children and grandchildren.

I was taught to show respect to elders and, unless someone was abusive to me or others, to allow other elders to correct the children, if needed.

Is this a generational thing, that young family members can be rude to us, take offense about petty issues, and ignore or refuse to speak to us even after we have apologized for the smallest “offense”?

I have several friends who are experiencing the same issues with their daughters-in-law.

We are kind and compassionate elders who are not unreasonable, demanding, or mean. We are not difficult people, having lived long lives of being respectful to co-workers, family members, friends, neighbors and strangers. We are the first to acknowledge our flaws and apologize.

I have taught women’s classes on assertiveness in my profession, but this is not assertiveness. It is aggression.

I’d appreciate your thoughts.

– Disrespected

Dear Disrespected: I do think you’re onto something regarding tension between millennials and boomers. It certainly surfaced during the pandemic, when (by my observation) millennials sought to control their parents, who – in their opinion – were not taking risks to themselves and others seriously enough.

I have been surprised both by the selfishness displayed by the elders, as well as the controlling and rude reactions of the youngers.

Both sides justify their behavior, and neither admits that they should perhaps behave differently.

However, both of your mothers-in-law were unkind. You consider it a badge of honor that you tolerated their mistreatment. Where is the glory in that?

Your female relatives in their 30s feel personal pressure to be all things to all people (their children, parents, partners, supervisors). Their worries and anxieties are often global in nature, reflecting frustration with elders who they believe deny the realities of climate change, racism, or a global pandemic.

So yes – they are fed up, and they’re not going to take it anymore. And yes, they are mistaking rudeness and aggression for assertion.

However, as women who have fought to have their voices heard, sometimes their voices are louder than necessary, or louder than you would like.

And – until the pendulum swings back again — that’s just the way it goes.

My recommendation for you is to try to engage in honest dialogue and continue to behave respectfully because that is who you are.

Dear Amy: My husband and I have been together for 13 years and married for 10.

Recently he admitted to sleeping with someone else — twice.

My heart is shattered. I want to be able to forgive him and to get our trust back.

He has tearfully apologized (he never cries).

I went through a range of emotions — from anger to tears, to just asking: “Why?”

I am in menopause and have had health problems.

We both just want to get back to us.

Help!

– Shattered

Dear Shattered: A marriage counselor could help you both to sort through your emotions in a way that also promotes moving forward. (Notice, I didn’t say “moving on,” because your goal should be to move forward with trust and greater insight.)

Your husband needs to do more than show his emotions through his tearful confession.

He must stop seeing the person he slept with and cut off contact.

He should accept full responsibility for what he did (not blame your menopause or health problems) and give you all the time you require to seek answers.

He must not expect quick forgiveness from you.

He must answer all of your questions truthfully.

Your eventual goal should be not just to survive this rough patch, but to let the trust-building period lead you toward growth.

This growth will be more apparent in hindsight, and I certainly hope you get there.

Dear Amy: “In a Quandary” described putting off his and his wife’s planned separation because of his daughter’s mental illness.

Her mental problems seemed to come up just as they were having trouble in the marriage. Seems too much of a coincidence to me.

– Happily Divorced

Dear Divorced: Tension between parents could be a triggering event, but if you are implying that this daughter was manipulating her parents, I didn’t get that impression from the letter.

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(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)