Ask Amy: Friend struggles to respond to #metoo accusation

Dear Amy: I have been good friends with “James” and “Dennis” for over 30 years, since we were all in grad school. We shared many laughs.

James and Dennis remain best friends today; we don’t see each other very often, but we do stay in touch.

Dennis has been happily married for about 10 years. James has been in a committed relationship with “Lori” for over 20 years. I’ve only met her a few times, but I like her, and we’re connected on Facebook.

Lori has been through a lot during the pandemic, including the loss of her mother. She has used Facebook to reach out for support.

Lori recently shared on Facebook that when she first met Dennis, in James’ presence, Dennis grabbed her behind. And that many times since then when the three have gotten together, he grabbed/groped her.

This made her very uncomfortable, but her husband told her it was her problem.

In her posting on Facebook, she tagged it #metoo.

I was shocked to read this. I have never experienced or witnessed such behavior by Dennis. He is very gregarious, but this is out of character.

I don’t know what, if anything, I should do with this information.

As a woman, I should stand with other women who speak the names of those who sexually assaulted (Lori's word) them, but as a longer-time friend of the accused, I feel loyalty to Dennis, too.

I haven’t responded to her post, nor have I talked to any of the three of them about it.

What’s the right thing for me to do? What, if anything, is my responsibility?

– Not Me Too

Dear Not Me Too: As a woman – or a human being – it is right to stand up for and support assault victims.

This doesn’t mean that you must reflexively and immediately respond to an accusation leveled on social media against someone you know well.

If you do choose to respond, you could say, “I’m so sorry.”

The #metoo movement inspired many women to come forward and detail their experiences with unwanted sexual aggression and abuse. It is a well-known fact that women do not report incidents like this to law enforcement.

The #metoo movement also taught us that really nice, happily married and well-liked people can do terrible things.

I think you should contact “Dennis” and confront him with this public accusation.

And then, go with your gut.

Dear Amy: Yesterday, my husband and I ordered new chairs for our living room.

Once we got home, we realized that the weight limit is 250 pounds for each chair.

We have two dear friends who definitely weigh over that amount, one friend visits quite often.

How can I ask friends not to sit in my new chairs?

I wouldn’t hurt these friends’ feelings for anything.

How should I handle this situation?

– Chaired

Dear Chaired: I assume that overweight people are extremely aware of where they sit.

Rather than ask people not to sit in chairs, you should be proactive and – before they sit down – directly offer them a chair that will be most comfortable.

Dear Amy: I have never written to an advice columnist before, but after reading the question from “Trying to Stay Healthy,” (written by the concerned friend of an overweight person), I felt compelled to write.

Today would have been my cousin’s daughter’s 40th birthday.

Unfortunately, we lost her last year. The cause? She was morbidly obese, which in medical terms is over 100 pounds overweight.

There is a reason this condition is called “morbid;” the health outcome is very poor.

My cousin was a beautiful, delightful, bright young woman with a great job, many friends and a family who loved her.

She once remarked that she would only lose weight if her doctor told her she would die if she didn’t.

While her doctor did try and treat her high blood pressure, she ignored his recommendations.

I believe if she clearly understood the health risk she was taking by being so overweight, she would have done something about it.

I don’t believe in shaming anyone because it usually only leads to estrangement.

However, medical professionals need to convey the very serious risk of obesity.

Today, we are grieving the loss of someone who left far too soon, with an entirely treatable condition.

I hope this helps someone else today.

– Grieving Cousin

Dear Grieving: Thank you for this tribute. I hope your account of your family’s loss proves a wake-up call for suffering people, as well as for their physicians.

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(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)