Ask Amy: Funeral mix-up creates family break

Dear Amy: My father passed away recently, and I was responsible for planning the funeral, during COVID.

In order to minimize everyone’s risk, we chose to hold a church service and a graveside service.

Due to a mix-up with the time for the graveside service, several people who did not feel comfortable going into the church — including our adult child — missed the graveside service.

Our adult child is blaming us and will not return calls, emails, texts, etc.

I’m at a loss about what to do.

I am grieving my father and also the loss of a relationship with our adult child and their family.

We just want to have communication, and to be allowed to see our preteen grandchildren and our adult child.

Please help.

– Grieving

Dear Grieving: If there are things you wish you had done differently regarding the arrangements you made, you should take responsibility, apologize, and affirm your child’s disappointment and hurt over this mix-up.

You should also do some deep personal searching to see if there are additional incidents, episodes, or slings and arrows that might be lurking beneath the surface.

After you do your own personal inventory, you may conclude that your adult child’s current behavior is extreme and disproportionate.

That’s when you should soften. Every time you nudge and push, another brick goes into the wall.

They must work through their own feelings. Punishing you does not help them, but they don’t seem to know that, yet.

Assume that you do not know the half of what your child has been experiencing during this pandemic year (nor do they know or understand the enormity of what you’ve been through).

Make sure they know that you are willing to communicate about this. And then let it lie. Don’t give up on this relationship but do be very patient.

Dear Amy: I have a wonderful hairdresser that I love, but I am considering leaving as her client, due to very loud derision by other stylists and their clients over mask-wearing during a recent visit.

My hairdresser and I were both furious listening to the rampant misinformation they were loudly sharing with one another ("COVID is just a cold; only chronically ill seniors die of it").

I can bite my tongue and fume, wear earplugs, or go elsewhere.

My fear is that complaining to the owner will be futile.

My instincts are to use a very soft voice and politely request for them to respectfully take it down a notch.

I don't want to get into a shouting match or try to change any entrenched beliefs. Your thoughts?

– Hairy Situation

Dear Hairy: Hair salons tend to be hybrid public/private businesses, with independent contractors paying rent from the owner and seating clients in chairs lined up next to one another, in an open environment.

Even though you are there only to see your hair stylist, there is no real expectation of privacy, and so anything said at the next chair is fair game.

Why should you leave the practice, wear earplugs, or keep silent and fume?

Whenever people are loudly declaiming, no matter the topic, you have every right to ask them, “Would you mind taking it down a notch?”

You also have the right to dive in and respectfully disagree, and see where this takes everyone.

Definitely speak to the salon owner about this. The owner should also pass along customer complaints which affect the overall environment in the salon.

Understand that if you leave the practice, the loss will be felt most acutely by your own hairstylist, and the loss of your business will not affect the neighboring stylist at all.

Dear Amy: I know you promote ways to help keep families connected.

As the last of the previous generation passed away, and with COVID keeping us distant, I thought it would be a good idea to just remind our family members who we all are. So, on the first of each month, I send out an email to all 43 of us just listing that month’s birthday celebrants. No big news or message, and no obligation – just a list.

With marriages and new babies, the list keeps growing.

I used to wonder if anyone read the list or cared about it at all. I noticed when I got a date wrong or left someone off, I heard from them right away!

– The Old Uncle

Dear Uncle: I love this, as long as you respect the wishes of any family members who don’t want to be included.

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(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)