Ask Amy: Mom steals stories, and then shares

Dear Amy: My mom frequently “shares” things via social media that she has no right to share.

She’ll take a picture that we have posted on Facebook or Instagram and post it herself; (almost as if she was the one who took it), often relaying the story of the picture as if it’s her own – basically “stealing” it and reposting it herself.

Recently, she posted on Facebook about my and my fiancé’s wedding date, stating, “So excited for a [wedding month] wedding!” and tagging us.

This was before we (the actual couple) had even announced it.

I told her to take it down and explained about what a violation it was.

She eventually said she understood where we were coming from and took down the post, but within the same day posted a funny story about OUR (meaning mine and my fiancé’s) dog that I had told her.

Neither of us had shared that on social media, ourselves. It was via phone conversation. We live across the country.

I know the easy answer is to not post what we don’t want shared, but she’ll post things we tell her via phone, too.

It’s hard for her to be an empty-nester. But I want her to understand that the only way we’ll tell her about things is if she can respect that we don’t want it “shared” with the world.

If I don’t talk to her or tell her about our lives, she lays in a huge guilt trip about how she “doesn’t even know us anymore.”

– Too Much Sharing

Dear Too Much: You seem to have explained the implicit privacy contract that family members should adhere to on social media. I wonder if your mother understands how posts and photos can be shared with people completely outside your (and her) circle.

This is especially a violation when it comes to weddings, pregnancies, job changes, and the like – because her choice to post about these things before you are ready could harm (or ruin) other relationships.

She does not have the right to “take” your personal story and broadcast it widely.

Strictly speaking, reposting photos of you without your permission is actually – illegal.

You should tell her that if she continues to do this, you will feel forced to disengage from her completely on social media. Say that you consider this both a last resort and a natural consequence of her (extreme) violation of your privacy.

Otherwise, check your FB privacy settings to see how you can “review” any posts you’re tagged in. You can also control who sees posts where you’re tagged.

Dear Amy: I am a 40-year-old, single, never-been-married mother.

Whenever I meet new people or have new patients (I work with the elderly), I’m always asked what my husband does for a living, and when I say, “Oh, I’ve never been married,” people express such disbelief! They wonder what’s wrong with me and what I’m going to do with myself if I never find someone.

Then they have the nerve to tell me, “…well you’re only 40, you still have a little time left to find someone,” as if there’s some kind of time limit to find a husband.

I’m content with my life, but starting to feel like I’m the only unmarried 40-year-old in the world.

How can I shut people down nicely before getting bombarded with questions I have no answers to? Why do people even care so much?

– Unmarried and OK

Dear Unmarried: Because you work with elderly people, you’re confronting their values, curiosity, and their desire to communicate with you.

A polite way to handle this would be to say, “I AM happy. I have myself, my child … and you!” Then deflect by making a kindly observation about them: “It sounds like you got lucky in your love life. Tell me more!”

Dear Amy: I’m concerned about misinformation in your response to “Mum About Medical,” who didn’t like to answer questions regarding her COVID vaccination status.

You wrote: “Mainly, the vaccination protects you from the more serious illness caused by the coronavirus. But the vaccination also helps to protect others, because if you don’t contract COVID-19, you won’t be spreading it.”

That is incorrect. Vaccinated people can be asymptomatic carriers.

– Concerned Reader

Dear Concerned: Thank you. You are correct about this possibility. According to the CDC, clinical trials have not established the extent of protection (if any) vaccines offer regarding asymptomatic transmission to others.

That is why even vaccinated people should continue to wear masks.

========

(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)