ArcaMax

Dear Amy: My husband and I have played a large role in our nieces’ and nephew’s lives. They had very rough childhoods. Their father died when they were very young, and their mom (my husband’s sister) suffers from a severe and abusive personality disorder. She is estranged from all of her children, and from us.

When they were young, we had “the kids” with us on many weekends and vacations, and as young adults, we housed them through college and single-motherhood.

While they’re genuinely good people, they tell endless white lies, have unpaid debts to us and often lack follow-through on commitments made to us.

We have always attributed their rough childhood to these character traits and remained unconditional in our love for them.

Now that they are 25, 29 and 30 respectively, my heart has turned cold toward them. I resent their disloyal and disrespectful behavior. They are all adults who should know better.

Am I unrealistic in my expectations and my desire to be treated differently by these family members?

— Shutting Down in So Cal

Dear Shutting Down: Loving someone unconditionally does not mean that you sign up to be used and abused by them. Loving someone unconditionally means that you love them anyway.

Reward good and loving behavior with affirmations, positive reinforcement and access to you. Respond to negative behavior honestly, delivering reasonable and proportional consequences.

They borrow and don’t repay you? Don’t give them the opportunity to fail so spectacularly. You either give freely and without expectation, or you tell them they will have to repay their debt before they can borrow again. They openly disrespect you? You say, honestly, “Hey — we know we deserve better than this. You know it too. I trust you to figure out how to be kinder to me. Until then, let’s take a little break.”

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