Ask Amy: Worn-out partner faces a tough choice
The pressure to find a professional job might be too much for him, and he might be a fulfilled and fulfilling "house husband" with part-time work, if he was able to commit to sobriety.
All the same, Brad's problems belong to him. When you get the "all clear," you should simply tell him that you love him, but that he has to go. You don't need to restate all of your expectations. Where he lands will be his problem, and he will figure it out. (This is why it's called "tough love.")
You say, "Honey, I love you, but it's time for you to leave. I hope you will choose to get help. I'm in your corner all the way, but I can't help you." I hope you will choose to stay in his life, as a faithful and concerned friend.
Dear Amy: "Scared Teen" wrote to you regarding their parents, who seemed to be arguing a lot. I'd like to suggest that the teen write a letter to them.
In a letter, the writer can clearly state their feelings, concerns, and wishes -- and the parents don't have to spontaneously respond.
When I was in my early 20s and not living at home, I witnessed my parents having a horrible verbal argument that really upset me. I left and wrote my parents a letter explaining how upset I was, especially because of how they had always taught me to show respect and understanding to others and had in fact lived that themselves, but now weren't doing it with each other.
I told them that I didn't want to visit them together if this was going to be their behavior.
They never argued in front of me again.
More than 30 years later, (I had long forgotten the letter), my mom told me how profoundly my letter had affected my dad. He was so proud of me for "speaking up," and pointing out how their behavior wasn't in keeping with their values.
-- Proud of Parents Who Listened
Dear Proud: This is a wonderful tribute -- to you and your folks.
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(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
