Ask Amy: Mom learns it's not easy being mean
Any advice?
-- Scared
Dear Scared: The reason your daughter is still living with you, even though it is not what you want, is because you are too scared to be called "mean." And so, from her perch on the couch, looking for (but never finding) the perfect apartment, she has you right where she wants you.
If she has panic attacks, she should seek professional treatment for her anxiety. If she is experiencing fear-based tantrums, she is proving that she is a lot like her mother: Too scared to change.
When you start treating your daughter like an adult, she will be forced to become one. This is a process that can be exceedingly bumpy and painful to witness. When you were young, your parents didn't witness your struggles, mistakes and missteps (or your messy room) because you didn't live with them.
Your household needs to develop an action plan. YOU can set the agenda. The goal? She gets a job, and she moves out. She can spend these next few months working on it. In the meantime, you should split the household duties down the middle and prompt her - every single day, to do her part. See the broken record? BE the broken record.
And then you should hang in there through the panic, acting out, tantrums, and rages - and plant yourself in your daughter's corner -- without fleeing, avoiding, or worrying about how mean you are.
If she proves unable or unwilling to exert herself, perhaps she could camp with her father.
Dear Amy: Please settle a dispute. If two friends are speaking on the telephone and one of them is using a speakerphone, does common courtesy dictate that that fact be made known at the beginning of a conversation?
-- A Concerned Caller
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