ArcaMax

Dear Amy: I am a painfully shy single young man. It takes every ounce of courage for me to make new friends and approach new people, especially girls who I am interested in. I am lonely, however, so I want to get this right.

I have purchased self-help books, and enrolled in a public speaking class to break through my shyness and learn how to start a conversation.

Echoed again and again is the advice to "pay a compliment."

I read your column, so I know that unsolicited compliments don't seem to be the way to a woman's heart. That said, what am I missing?

-- Clueless

Dear Clueless: This is a really good question. You are correct that women (and men, too) appreciate some types of compliments, but not others.

Upon meeting a new person, you should not comment on their body, hair, eyes or face. Honestly, it's a mine field to compliment a person's appearance. Save the personal comments for when you know someone better.

It IS safe to compliment a woman on something she is wearing: "That's such a cool pin; is it old?" Or you can comment on (rather than compliment) something you notice about her: "I see you have the Samsung phone. Do you like it?" (People can spend a lot of time comparing their technology.)

Ideally, you would look for commonalities -- the little details that help people to connect. If you are at a party hosted by an individual, you can say, "How do you know Brett? Do you two work together?" Then you volunteer something about yourself.

The most important thing to do when meeting a new person is to listen to them, and then find a way to respond to what they say -- and to read their nonverbal cues.

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