Survivor of family dysfunction seeks closure
Part of me would want to see them buried just to have some kind of closure, but when I think about attending the funeral, I imagine it being very unpleasant. Any advice?
-- Estranged Son
Dear Estranged: You deserve huge credit for creating a life for yourself and your children that was the opposite of what you received in childhood. Hard work meets grace, indeed!
I think that many of us imagine closure as an open line that is finally stitched shut into a circle, completing a difficult journey. But my own experience with family dysfunction, loss and grief was more like a spiral: As you make your orbit through life, you pass the same points over and over again, even as you create more distance from the events and people that caused you pain. Each orbit brings you more useful perspective.
That having been said, I also believe in showing up, even when you suspect the experience might be painful. That's where grace comes in. If you show up with an attitude of humility (and minimal expectations for how others will behave), you will say goodbye, and perhaps also find the grace to move toward forgiveness for both the dead and the surviving parent.
Your beautiful and healthy life is a triumph. Carry that with you as you go.
Dear Amy: My husband and I celebrated our 40th wedding anniversary with a wonderful invitation-only party.
My friend of 23 years showed up with her sister (whom I know, but did not invite).
Neither my husband nor I said anything about the extra guest.
My friend had a Tiffany gift bag, which she placed on the gift table.
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